LOS ANGELES, USA — Dancer Allison Holker is reconsidering certain moments from the final years of her marriage to Stephen “tWitch” Boss, reflecting on shifts in his mindset that now seem more significant following his tragic death by suicide in December 2022.
In her new memoir, This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light, Holker opens up about the changes she noticed in her husband after he participated in an Ayahuasca trip, an experience she believes may have deeply affected him.
Signs of a Shifting Mindset
Holker, 36, shared that after the Ayahuasca experience, Boss appeared to open up something within himself but never fully healed.
“It just kind of feels like he opened something up for himself, but he never fully healed and never fully escaped,” she said.
She also recalled a hike in Hawaii where the couple—who were married for nine years and shared three children: Weslie, 16, Maddox, 8, and Zaia, 5—had an intense discussion about life, death, and the possibility of an afterlife.
A Conversation That Now Feels Different
During the hike, Holker remembers the two of them marveling at the beauty of life and talking about what happens after death.
“We were having this big discussion about life and death and how beautiful it is,” she said.
“And how we don’t believe that after you die that that’s the end of everything. That you could cross into another life or another path or another future, and that you could find that love again in another lifetime.”
At the time, she thought it was a deep and meaningful conversation, but now she sees it in a different light.
“Sometimes I look back on that discussion like, ‘Wow, we really beautified death,’” she admitted. “And he was never scared of death. He almost celebrated it in that moment.”
She continued, “It kind of gives me the heebie-jeebies looking back on it, because parts of it are really beautiful, but some of the things [and] the depth he would go and the thoughts that he had… death had been on his mind. It almost felt like sometimes death was chasing him, and he was learning to accept it.”
A ‘Turning Point’ in His Joy and Generosity
Holker now realizes that her husband’s thoughts about death had likely been building for a long time.
Speaking on The Jamie Kern Lima Show on February 4, 2025, she reflected on how he wasn’t the same after his experiences in the final years of his life.
“I feel like his heart was never really in the same place when he came back,” Holker shared. “He could still find joy, and he could still go day-to-day putting on his face and getting through the days, but there was something missing in his eyes.”
Financial and Emotional Aftermath
Holker has also publicly shared details about the financial and emotional challenges she has faced since Boss’ passing.
She revealed that he “spent recklessly” on drugs and left behind a $1 million tax bill—information that has sparked mixed reactions from fans and the public.
Despite the controversy, she stands by her decision to share her full story, even if it paints a less perfect picture of Boss’ life.
“I will always celebrate Stephen,” Holker said.
“I think he was a wonderful person, and I’m really sad about what he went through. But I also have to be careful because I can’t celebrate so much of his choice.”
She acknowledged that her children are deeply hurt by their father’s decision, and she is working to navigate their grief while also trying to understand the depth of his struggles.
Looking Back With New Understanding
Holker’s reflections offer insight into the silent struggles that Boss may have faced in the years leading up to his death.
While she once saw their conversations about life, death, and the afterlife as philosophical and enriching, she now realizes they may have been signs of a deeper internal battle.
As she continues to heal and support her children, she remains committed to honoring Boss’ legacy while also acknowledging the difficult truths about his final years.
