Family court lawyers reveal top 4 reasons why Mumbai couples split. A relationship counsellor offers remedy before it is too late.
Reason 1
Incompatibility
Find the lifestyle, post-marriage, tough to digest Says SHRADDHA DALVI, Advocate, High Court
Couples are marrying sooner, and calling it quits, fairly early too. No children means the decision is easier to take.Financial independence on both ends help them make up their minds quickly. A marriage requires both, patience and compromise. `Incompatibility’, or what we see as the ability to adapt, is a top reason for seeking divorce. It’s nothing but both partners sticking to their guns as far as key decisions regarding career and in-laws go. This is where the ego creeps in.Partnership, which marriage is, seems impossible for them to pull off.
Remedy
Clinical psychologist Sonali Gupta says: This is precisely why pre-marital counselling is a good idea for all couples, irrespective of how long they may have dated. It’s what helps highlight details that we overlook, but could be the basis for conflict later. We often tell couples to list out how their lives will change after marriage. This highlights the trivial stuff, like placing a wet towel on the bed after a shower, instead of to dry, or having to adjust to not having domestic help, which may all be triggers for frustration later.
A common problem among partners in the first year of marriage is the take-for-granted danger. They assume that living together accounts for couple time, which is a misnomer. They need to consciously strike a balance between planning shared leisure time, which allows for bonding, and me time, which offers space. Build a parallel support system, so that you also have a friend or sibling to reach out to when you wish to vent. This way, you won’t be offloading worries on your partner when the two of you meet at the end of the day.
Reason 2
Pornography
Leads to unrealistic expectation from sex Says VP SARATHI, chief legal advisor
When young couples, who’ve been married for less than a year, approach us, we convince them to seek relationship counselling. That’s the protocol, but it’s a sham. Most counsellors are activists without training in psychiatry. And if the problem on hand has to do with undue reliance on pornography, the challenge is tougher. They have unrealistic expectations from their partner, and their sex life. When reality doesn’t match expectations, frustration creeps in.
Remedy
Sonali says: Pornography gives birth to unrealistic needs. And while it’s common for two people to have a different tastes and inhibitions surrounding sexual intimacy, undue reliance on external stimuli creates a problem. Among young couples, it’s not uncommon for sex to be mechanical in the first year. It takes a while to be at ease.Not raising the issue in an honest chat complicates matters. Who will take the ini tiative, in this case, be comes a power strug gle. There’s no oth er way to deal with this issue but talk. Or better still, involve a qualified expert.
Reason 3
Financial security
Personal income making split easy VANDANA SHAH, family court lawyer
This may not be the reason for a marriage to break-up, but it’s certainly one of the most important factors in couples refusing to give their marriage a repeated chance.Most women bringing in a salary, sometimes, one that matches the husband’s, means she also wants a larger role in decision-making. Because he is no longer the provider, she no longer needs to put up with what she may not agree with. The confidence that she will be able to manage a respectable life, post-divorce, makes the decision easier to take. Shrinking global markets means you can easily move to another city, even country, to escape the social stigma of a split and make a fresh start.
Remedy
Sonali says: While financial independence is empowering, it sometimes prods partners to lead independent, parallel lives within a marriage. This is a sure shot red flag, and can often lead to divorce. Discuss your finances, individual and combined, expenditures and savings.Try to be a team. I know of couples, where one spends, pays bills, etc, the other saves. If this works for you collectively, great. Just ensure separate finances don’t lead to friction, especially when priorities on which these finances are to be spent, don’t match.
Reason 4
Role confusion
Men are looking for cultural stereotypes; women, to break free from them Says PERSIS SIDHVA, advocate with an NGO
While mod ern soci etal norms say men to root for equal status, often, they (even the educated) continue to seek stereotypical qualities in their partners.Meanwhile, women are hoping to break free from the very same cultural stereotypes. Here lies the conflict. We’ve come across women who have been subjected to mental and emotional violence in educated homes. An educated partner, may or may not hit, but he can certainly assert his power over her by curbing her freedom to work, study, meet friends, etc.
Remedy
Sonali says: This is a tricky one. The most common playout of this conflict is a fight over who will manage household chores. Initially, a woman may not mind manning the home single-handedly at first.But as she grows in her career, and her responsibilities (kids) double, she expects the man to pitch in. When he doesn’t, there are sparks. In an ideal situation, a couple must function as a team.Take turns, and divide the work.Putting together a simple dish when she has had a long day must come naturally to the man, and not seem like a favour. If inlaws object to the practice, speak to them as a team. Don’t lose the `we’ when presenting a joint front
