Marriage is a profound commitment that intertwines two lives, not just romantically but also emotionally, financially, and practically. While love forms the foundation of a marriage, compatibility and communication are critical to its success. Experts agree that asking the right questions before saying “I do” can help couples navigate potential challenges and build a lasting partnership. Here are seven crucial questions to ask your partner before getting married, backed by expert insights and research.
1. What Are Our Shared Values and Life Goals?
Why It Matters
Values and goals form the core of a relationship. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, emphasises that successful marriages often hinge on shared dreams and compatible values. Disparities in priorities—such as career ambitions, family planning, or lifestyle preferences—can lead to conflicts if not addressed early.
What to Discuss
- Do we share similar long-term goals (e.g., buying a house, having children)?
- How do we prioritise career, family, and personal growth?
- What values do we want to instil in our relationship and future family?
Expert Tip
Create a “values inventory” together to identify your non-negotiables and find alignment in your aspirations.
2. How Do We Handle Conflict?
Why It Matters
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but how couples manage disagreements can make or break their bond. According to research by the American Psychological Association, constructive conflict resolution is a key predictor of marital satisfaction.
What to Discuss
- How do we typically react when we’re upset or stressed?
- Are we open to seeking compromise during disagreements?
- Would we consider couples therapy if challenges arise?
Expert Tip
Dr. Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, suggests practising active listening and avoiding blame during arguments to foster connection instead of division.
3. What Are Our Financial Expectations and Habits?
Why It Matters
Money is one of the top causes of marital conflict. Transparency about financial habits, debts, and goals is crucial to building trust and avoiding misunderstandings.
What to Discuss
- What are our spending and saving habits?
- How do we plan to manage joint finances (e.g., shared accounts, budgets)?
- Are there any debts or financial commitments we need to disclose?
Expert Tip
Financial counsellor Ramit Sethi recommends creating a joint budget that reflects shared goals while allowing for individual autonomy.
4. What Are Our Expectations for Intimacy and Affection?
Why It Matters
Physical and emotional intimacy are vital for maintaining closeness in a marriage. Open conversations about needs and expectations can prevent feelings of neglect or frustration.
What to Discuss
- How do we define intimacy, and what role does it play in our relationship?
- How do we ensure that affection and passion remain priorities over time?
- Are there any unmet needs we should address before marriage?
Expert Tip
Dr. Esther Perel, a psychotherapist and author, encourages couples to embrace vulnerability and regularly communicate about their emotional and physical connection.
5. How Do We Define Family Roles and Responsibilities?
Why It Matters
Marriage often involves blending two families, which can bring differing traditions, expectations, and dynamics. Additionally, deciding how responsibilities are divided in the home is essential for maintaining balance and fairness.
What to Discuss
- What roles do we envision for each other in our future family?
- How do we plan to handle household chores and decision-making?
- How will we navigate relationships with in-laws and extended family?
Expert Tip
Dr. Terri Orbuch, author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, advises couples to create clear agreements about roles and boundaries to avoid misunderstandings.
6. How Do We Support Each Other’s Growth?
Why It Matters
A healthy marriage allows both partners to thrive individually and as a couple. Supporting each other’s ambitions and personal growth strengthens the partnership.
What to Discuss
- How do we encourage each other’s career, hobbies, and passions?
- Are we prepared to make sacrifices for each other’s goals when necessary?
- How do we ensure we grow together rather than apart?
Expert Tip
Psychologist Dr. Harriet Lerner suggests scheduling regular check-ins to discuss goals, dreams, and any adjustments needed to support mutual growth.
7. What Does Commitment Mean to Us?
Why It Matters
Defining what commitment looks like in practice ensures both partners are on the same page about the responsibilities and expectations of marriage.
What to Discuss
- How do we define loyalty and fidelity in our relationship?
- What actions demonstrate commitment in our day-to-day lives?
- How will we handle challenges that test our commitment?
Expert Tip
Relationship therapist Dr. Terri Apter recommends discussing scenarios that might test the relationship, such as career changes or long-distance situations, to understand each other’s perspectives on commitment.
Conclusion: Building a Strong Foundation for Marriage
Marriage is not just a romantic bond but a partnership built on trust, communication, and mutual respect. By asking these seven essential questions, couples can uncover potential areas of alignment and growth, as well as address differences that may need compromise.
While love brings you together, it’s the shared values, effective communication, and willingness to navigate challenges that create a lasting union. These conversations might feel challenging, but they are an investment in the health and longevity of your marriage. Remember, a strong foundation now can save you from major conflicts in the future, allowing you to step into this next chapter with confidence and clarity.
