Willies are not the most attractive of things.
Despite being very useful, when it came to ‘good-looking’ parts of a man’s body, a penis is not something I would consider to be at the top of the list.
It is with this in mind that I have become interested in a recent trend sweeping the boards when it comes to ‘penis appearance improvement techniques’.
The pube-free penis. Or, as I prefer to call it and to stay with the Christmas theme – the freshly plucked turkey.
It baffles me.
A naked dick is a strange sight indeed – more like a diagram of one somehow – just so, ugh, graphic.
Make no mistake, I love a cock as much as the next girl but to see one in all its buffed, naked ball-bag swinging glory is a little too much, even by my dick-appreciating standards.
A woman going ‘Hollywood’ is one thing (although, forget about a nice bikini line, anyone who knows what it feels like to have their clitoris plucked should be on next year’s honours list).
The difference is our lady bits are neat and nicely hidden but naked balls?
There’s being metro-sexual and there’s turning your privates into something out of a giblet farming factory.
We can probably blame porn for the back, sack and crack craze, or the misconception that going pube-free makes willies look bigger.
To clarify to those considering getting the razor out, pube-free dicks don’t look bigger, they look like chicken drumsticks.
And that’s before you’ve even considered a couple of days’ growth.
If you think kissing a man with 5 o’clock shadow is uncomfortable… I’ll let you imagine the rest.
Shaving your pubic hair will, at best, make your girlfriend think of Kojak re-runs when she should be focusing on her orgasm.
At worst it will make her feel like she is riding an industrial sanding machine every time you have sex – neither being ideal.
Saying that, one shouldn’t have to hack one’s way through a forest of pubes to find the prize either – nothing ruins dinner like flossing half way through a meal.
However, there is a happy medium.
I think I can speak for most women in saying that a regular, moderate trim up is the ideal middle ground.
Keep it neat, keep it real – and don’t get me started on cock rings – turkeys wearing tiaras.
That’s just taking the festive spirit one step too far.
