“Bros, you dey craze. I watch you dis morning, you just dey yarn, You just dey craze. You just dey troll Una dey drink something for that una programme? Una dey mad?”
“What is the matter, uncle?”
“Don’t Owain me? How can you go on television and give the faintest impression that Buhari is a better economic manager than Tinubu? This is the thing about you, Yoruba people, you don’t know when to be loyal to your own people You do not know when to say this is our own and we need to stand by him, when he needs us.”
“I am sorry. I don’t get what you are saying”
“I am saying that Tinubu needs all the support he can get right now from among his own people. It looks bad to have on TV, any Yoruba man or woman condemning their own. You have a responsibility to defend your own person”
“I don’t get your drift. I am educated enough to reject what you are suggesting.”
“And I am telling you that this is Nigeria. Whatever Tinubu does with the Nigerian economy, you have to stand by him. He is one of us. He cannot do any wrong. Whatever anybody says about the economy, it is our son that is there, and we, Yorubas have a reputation for knowing anything about the economy. Ibos are traders. They know commerce, even if they end up dominating other people’s homesteads. Hausa-Fulanis think power is their birthright. They will come into your community and they will try to take over everything. Yorubas think they are the wise ones in the room. They will carry their shoulders high thinking they are the ones that know it all, on whose shoulders everything hangs but at the end of the day, they get deceived. Igbos claim that they are the lords of commerce. They are in every community in Nigeria, plying trade. What I am trying to say is that this country no balance. The people who think they are wise and smart, are actually stupid. The stupid people are the wise ones.”
“Is that why you will go on television and say Buhari is wiser than Tinubu? And that Yoruba people are stupid, and they do not know how to manage the economy?”
“Okay, Bros. I did not mean it that way. I was just saying that Yoruba people are supposed to be Nigeria’s best economic managers. We have been in charge for about one year now. Bros, how market? It is enough time for Buhari to sit back and laugh at the expense of the same Yoruba people who think that when it comes to the economy that they know it all. Let me confess to you: I feel grossly embarrassed. I am ashamed.”
“Stop embarrassing yourself. Buhari and his Fulani people caused this problem. They messed up the country. Tinubu is trying to clear up the mess. The problem with Nigeria is the mess that Buhari caused. It has nothing to do with Tinubu. Buhari was sleep-walking for eight years. You have a President who is active. The Jagaban himself and you are going back to the sleepy crowd. I disagree vehemently with you.”
“My brother go and sleep. I am telling you how Yoruba people behave. Economy, Na we know am. Economy na we sabi. Go and fix the economy. Look, if we want to tell ourselves the truth, this economy was not this bad under Buhari. Go and fix it.”
“Try and be fair. Buhari caused the problem”
“Fix it. That is why we voted for you. You APC people said you will renew our hope. Renew it.”
“Your hope is being renewed. What the government says is that the people of Nigeria must be prepared to make some sacrifices. I don’t even like this narrative about Yoruba, Igbo and Hausa-Fulani. There are over 250 ethnic groups in this country. We must put an end to ethnic politics in this country.”
“We are the people being asked to make sacrifices. How much sacrifice is the government making? Or the people in government? They are riding yachts. They are busy buying new aircraft. They are busy travelling all over the world. I tried to buy fuel. I had to pay more money. Schools are resuming, after the holidays. They have increased school fees. I wanted to buy suya. Ordinary suya oh. They said the price has gone up. Transport fares have increased by about 50%”
“NLC will take care of that. Labour Congress is on top of it. Labour says the NLC has been betrayed.”
“Which NLC? Which Labour? Are you aware that Joe Ajaero has been arrested?”
“Who arrested him?”
“The Nigerian Government”
“Are you sure?”
“I read it in the papers. The DSS arrested him. I hear he is now in the custody of the Nigeria Intelligence Agency. The NIA.”
“What do they say his offence is?”
“I never hear oh”
“Why are these people perpetually looking for trouble? Are you sure there are no fifth columnists inside this government? I am beginning to worry oh. You have not solved one problem, you go and create another.”
“I agree with you. Joe Ajaero is a very small irritant. This is not the time to go after him. He is a Labour Leader. He can say what he likes. He can be ignored.”
“They say he is financing terrorism. He is not above the law. No man is above the law.”
“Then you ignore him because of the followership that he commands. If you have to do anything, you do it underground. Nobody will believe you if you want to do anything then you do it under the cover, never in the open.”
“We are talking about terrorism. The law does not work that way.”.
“We are talking about the leader of the largest Labour union in the country. Do you want to burn down the country?”
“My attitude is that nobody is above the law”
“Fine. Detain Nigeria’s Labour leader then. What I am saying is that a country cannot fight on all fronts at the same time.”
“Tinubu is not fighting the country. He is saying this country has gone so bad, it has to be fixed. He is saying organised Labour must not hold this country to ransom. He is saying he won the election in 2023, and he would not allow Obidients and Atiku and his followers to sabotage this country, claiming to be opposition. This is where we are. Try and be patriotic.”
“Which Nigerian law says to be patriotic you have to be a Tinubu lackey? Tell me.”
“We are saying don’t follow the opposition. Be a man”
“I am not a man. I cannot pay school fees. I cannot fund basic things. I am in pains. Don’t tell me to be a man. How can I be a man in this country?”
“Be a woman then. Your wife can feed you, if she can”.”
“What kind of talk is that?”
“Be the woman. That is what Nigeria today calls for. If you have a woman who can, then humble yourself.”
“Is that what Tinubu is supposed to reduce us to?”
“Life is like that sometimes.”
“No wonder Ajuri Ngelale left them. He told them to keep their job. He walked away from it all.”
“I am of the view that you do not know what you are talking about. Ajuri Ngelale is the luckiest man who ever occupied the position of Presidential Spokesman. He was not just spokesman. He was Special Presidential Envoy on Climate Change. He was Chairman of the Federal Government Project Evergreen Initiative. No other person in that position was ever so garlanded.”
“And he will abandon all of that?”
“It is not everybody that would rather die in a government job. He has asked us to respect his family’s privacy. He talked about family medical issues. Can we all just respect his privacy and personal space?”
“Could this be a case of the demons in Aso Villa chasing Ajuri Ngelale?”
“I have no comment”
“Demons in the Villa.”
“What are you talking about?”
“There is a spiritual side to that Villa. Anybody that goes in there is no longer recognizable.”
“I have nothing to say.”
“So who do you think will take over Ajuri’s job? Who is the demon that will step into his shoes?”
“They have more than enough people in that place falling over themselves to take over the job. You don’t have to worry about that.”
“Do you think that it is normal that the same Tinubu who used to lead pro-democracy protests will stand by and allow protesters to be charged for treason under his watch?”
“Tinubu is not the judiciary. He wants the judiciary to do its work. Find something else to say.”
“Oh God Oh God. Okay, is Tinubu happy that we the people of Nigeria cannot find fuel to buy?”
“I understand fuel is now available in the filling stations across the country. You drive in, you buy. Willing buyer, willing seller”
“At what price?”
“I refer you to Section 205 of the Petroleum Industry Act (PIA) of 2021)
“Rubbish. I am not interested in any useless Sections of the law. Is Nigeria better today than it was a year ago? We can’t buy diesel. We can’t buy fuel. Lagos, the country’s commercial center is a ghost town because the people cannot get or buy fuel. Section whatever. Is that what will feed my family?”
“E lo fo kan bale”
“Egbon. Did I hear you right?”
“E lo fo kan bale”
“God. God. God.”
“E lo fo kan bale. There is renewed hope”
“No. I don’t see hope. Not to talk of renewed hope. I sewar to God Almighty anytime there is another call for protest in this country, I will carry placard and go out.”
“Fine. When you get arrested and you are charged for treason, just know that you are on your own. I have always told you. You cannot fight government. After government it is God. Fight government and live with the consequences.”
“To hell with Government”
“And with God too”
“I did not say that. Don’t put words in my mouth. I will never say to hell with God.”
“It is God that has chosen Tinubu as President of Nigeria. God is forever right. He is all-knowing. Nigerians must learn neve r to fight God.”
“I don’t discuss religious issues. There is too much mumbo jumbo in that arena”
“Are you aware that all the churches will be filled to the brim this Sunday? The same people who cannot find fuel to go to work, they will get fuel to attend Church and enough money to give to Pastors”
“Good for them”
“Many of the congregants will even go with jerry cans of fuel for the Pastors”
“One day, the Pastors and God will meet face to face. I believe in the concept of Judgement Day. Let God judge every man according to his deed.”
“I think President Tinubu should start by paying tribute to the Paralympics athletes who have just done Nigeria proud in Paris. These are the kind of people we want to see on the National Honours List. Not office holders. Not traditional rulers.”
“I agree. I am impressed. Even if this is Nigeria’s worst outing at the Paralympics since Barcelona 1992. We did better in Athens, London, Tokyo and elsewhere, but at least this one, we came home with seven medals. Congratulations to Nigeria’s Paralympic team. I want to specially recognize Oluwafemiayo and Eniola Bolaji. They made history.”
“I want to add that there is ability in disability. Nigeria’s main team went to the main Olympics. What did they come back with? Zero. Odo. Nothing. Physically challenged people went to represent Nigeria, they returned with medals. I predicted it. In this country, the blind see, the deaf hear, people who have their faculties all intact are the enemies of national progress. Nigeria is a living paradox.”
“There are still people in this country who can see and hear. I know a few. Things are not as bad as you paint them.”
“Like who, please?”
“Austen Eguavoen. he just led the Super Eagles to beat the Cheetahs of Republic of Benin. He did not allow Gernot Rohr and his team to cheat us. We beat them 3-0.”
“When Eguavoen and the Super Eagles qualify for both the AFCON, and the World Cup, that is when we can talk. For now, I am just watching. They are in Rwanda. Let them bring us victory from Rwanda too.”
“What of the U-20 Falconets? They are in the group of 16. They are making us proud in the FIFA U-20 tournament.”
“I want to see them in the finals. Nigerian women are always better than the men.”
“You are a pessimist. I need you to see Nigeria in a positive light.”
“I do. I do. It is just that sometimes this country get on your nerves.”
“I know your problem. I know why you are in a foul mood. It is time for children to return to school. You have to pay school fees. And the fees have gone up. But think of all the positives in this country. Dangote Refinery for example. Soon, there will be fuel in every filling station. Dangote is a Nigerian like you. He has done something for his country. You can do something too. You can be a positive force for progress. Stop whining. This country belongs to all of us.”
“Dangote?”
“Yes. Dangote.”
“Are you sure Dangote is happy he has done something for Nigeria right now?”
“Don’t worry yourself. Everything will be resolved.”
“Really?”
“I think so. No be Nigeria?”
“I dey vex. Country hard no be small.”
“Don’t worry. You will be able to eat suya again if that is your problem. And you will get fuel in your car. Don’t take out your anger on other people”
“I dey vex, no be small”
Reuben Abati is a host of the Morning Show on Arise Television. He was the spokesperson and special adviser, media and publicity to President Goodluck Jonathan (2011 – 2015). A former chairman of the editorial board of The Guardian, Dr. Abati is one of the most respected columnists in Nigeria. He writes his syndicated column twice a week. He tweets from @abati1990.
The opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the writer.
