[dropcap]L[/dropcap]et us be honest, sex toys can be a wonderful thing. Whether you are using them solo or in a relationship, toys can add several new dimensions to your sex life. They can help people discover and realize what they enjoy, help people have an orgasm, spice up the bedroom, or even save your relationship. They can also build a level of trust and intimacy you didn’t know existed. Gone are the days of donning a disguise and going into a seedy shop, sex toys are becoming much less taboo and shopping for them can be a really fun experience. If you are interested in talking to your significant other about introducing sex toys to your relationship, timing can be important.
The Magic Number is 3
My advice on when to talk about sex toys: the three-month mark. After you have been dating a person for three months you will probably know each other’s moods, routines, likes, and dislikes. You will likely know where each other stands socially, politically, mentally, morally, and spiritually. Most importantly, you should understand how comfortable you are around each other and what your level of trust is. You move out of the “puppy love” or “honeymoon” stage and into a more realistic relationship complete with pros and cons.
It’s also the time period where most people start to contemplate if they are ready to say, “I love you”, but don’t hold me to that, love can come a lot sooner or later. Based on these changes at the 90-day point of dating someone, it’s a good time to start discussing toys if you wish. Before having this discussion examine your “sex status” with your partner. Are things good, are you satisfied, do you feel like something is missing, do you feel like there is room for improvement? These are important things to consider, especially if you are thinking about adding toys to the mix.
Something else to keep in mind is how adventurous is your partner? If they are up for trying new things, the “toy talk” might be pretty easy. If not, you will have to take a different approach to the conversation. And before having this discussion be honest with yourself about how comfortable you are with sex toys in general. If you have used them before, great. If not but you are curious, do a little research to find out if they might be a good option for you.
If you are uncomfortable or unreceptive to the idea of sex toys and your partner has already mentioned they are, this is your stopping point. Never do something you are not 100% okay with in the bedroom, this applies to your partner as well. You should never be coerced into something against your will and neither should your partner. So if you’re still interested in bringing toys into the bedroom, let’s talk about how to have the conversation.
The Approach
The toy talk is going to vary from couple to couple. One note of caution across the board: make sure you do not put sex toys in the light of substitution. These items can be intimidating or even create diminished self-esteem. You always want to talk about toys as a way to enhance sex and add variety. If you have a healthy sex life and it’s on the adventurous side, this conversation will be a little easier. It will also help if you have a very comfortable and trusting relationship.
If your sex life is decent but you’re looking to spice things up and wonder if toys are the way to go, make sure you’re well-prepared for the discussion. And by discussion, I mean bring this up while you are having a perfectly normal conversation, dressed, and sober while in a comfortable place.
Do not spring a “surprise” while in the bedroom. You might start the conversation with a question like “What are your thoughts on our sex life?” or “Do I make you happy in bed?” and let the discussion take its course. Or you can gently ease into the conversation by talking about a book, show, or movie where sex toys are used or for additional fun, come up with a sex “bucket list”.
In all honesty, that’s a good exercise in itself as you could learn a lot about your partner. Again, this all goes back to trust, intimacy, and how comfortable you two are with each other. If you decide to introduce sex toys, go shopping together and find something that will work well for both of you. You might want to start out with “beginner” items and work your way up from there.
And keep in mind that there is no “one toy fits all times” so as you bring sex toys into the bedroom you will likely have a variety of options. Some scenarios might call for the Womanizer while others are more suited towards a Greedy Girl. Just remember to have fun and alleviate fears like not being good enough in bed or toys replacing your partner.
This is about intimacy and adding a new dimension to sex, both of which are beautiful things. So if you’ve been dating your partner for three months and want to take things to a new level in the bedroom, it’s time to have the toy talk.
Jessica Winter is one of the main writers at Sex Toy Education. She’s extremely passionate about helping others improve their sex lives. She publishes articles related to both men and women and has helped many couples improve their relationships. You can find more of her work on her website.
