by Okechukwu Ofili

Breaking Satirical News!

The 24/7 research team of ofilispeaks.com fresh of their Na You Do Am allegation here have just uncovered a top-secret letter from the Director General of the SSS titled “How To Catch A Boko Haram Mastermind In 4 Easy Steps.”

The letter is so strategically written and effective that we at ofilispeaks.com decided to share it with our readers so they too can catch Boko Haram masterminds. But remember this is top-secret classified information so do not tweet, facebook or share! You have been warned! Doing so might land you in trouble with SSS.

The Letter

Dear SSS Members,

The Honorable President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan and his wife have ordered us to bring Boko Haram to justice. Now we all know that given our current state of funding and lack of facilities, that this request is practically impossible. But we don’t want to piss off the President especially with elections coming up in 2015.

So me and my most senior counterparts have compiled a 4 step classified program titled “How To Catch A Boko Haram Mastermind In 4 Easy Steps” the full name of the program is actually “How To Catch A Boko Haram Mastermind In 4 Easy Steps Without Carrying Any Investigation At All!”

Below is a summary of the program.

NOTE: You will be receiving the full detailed program in your emails in the next few days. Please treat as classified…God is watching you!

STEP #1: Identifying A Suspect Even Without Forensic Evidence

After a bomb explosion happens everybody is in a state of panic. This is a good time to identify a victim suspect. Start by scanning the crowd for a potential suspect. A potential suspect is anyone that looks different, out-of-place and should be preferably from the North. Good examples could be a man wearing a bomb vest female clothing. Reference classified picture below.

After you identify your suspect begin gathering forensic evidence from the scene. This is critical so that the Nigerian media will think you are doing investigative work, when in fact you are not doing anything at all. After some minutes of wandering aimlessly around the crime scene…begin to approach your suspect. Make sure to approach suspect slowly so as not to startle them. Once you get close, scream na you do am!

Before the suspect can say a word, handcuff him or her and lead them away quickly. But not so quick that the media cannot take pictures, you will need this as evidence that SSS is working.

STEP #2: The Interrogation

Once you have the suspect in custody and safely away from the public. Start the interrogation with a slap! I know…you are thinking why should you slap the suspect. This is the reason …. punching them can cause visible injuries and that is bad for publicity. Reference classified picture below to see why slapping is recommended instead of punching or stabbing.

So slap them…keep slapping them till they confess.

After all they were at the scene of the crime so they must have known something was wrong. If after a few hundred slaps the victim … I mean suspect has not yet confessed to being a Boko Haram mastermind….then you can actually slap them with your clenched fist.

Now the victim might have watched Beverly Hills Cop or even Robocop or one of those Hollywood movies and might say that they would not talk without a lawyer. If that happens…slap that thought out of them and remind them that this is Nigeria and not America.

Once you have beaten a confession out of your victim…so sorry again … out of your suspect, get them to implicate some more people that you can arrest. The more people your suspect can implicate … the better SSS looks in the media.

Now, if your suspect is struggling to implicate people due to the massive bleeding they may be suffering from the clenched fist slaps, then suggest victims for them. You can use people currently on our SSS most wanted list (reference classified SSS most wanted list).

Step #3: Controlling The Media Circus

Now it is your time to shine. You have a Boko Haram suspect mastermind in custody and you have a confession.

So call a press conference and invite journalists from the SSS selected journalist list. It is important to not deviate from this SSS list as we do not want certain media houses to show up. Channels will ask too many questions (reference Oga at the top video), Sahara Report with Adeola Fayehun will try and keep it too real (reference Keeping It Real Video), What’s Up Africa  with Ikenna Azuike (reference WUA video) will make people laugh at us and those foreign stations like CNN and BBC will like to blow big big grammar about human rights and all that western stuff. Do not invite them!

Once the press is settled down and you have weeded out the nosy journalists from the room, proceed to bring out the victims and parade them in front of the specially selected media houses.

Get your victims to read their confessions to the public. It is important for them to practice their confessions before hand, lest they slip up and actually say they might be innocent. It is good recommended SSS practice to write the speech out for them to read … that way you mitigate surprises caused from memory lapses.

In case their voice is hoarse and are still recovering* from all that  beating interrogation, then get them a microphone to help their voices project.

*SSS standard recommendation is to allow about 4-6 days for the victim to recover from their victims and for wounds to heal. This way your victim looks healthier and their confession will be viewed as more authentic. Reference picture below for proper placement of microphone and fully recovered interrogation victims.

Step #4: Ignoring The Media’s Questions

If you followed step #3 properly, you will now have a packed house of journalists that will not ask the hard questions that other foreign stations and some local station like to ask. So you should not anticipate questions like:

“Did you find any bomb traces on the alleged victim?” “Does the victim have a lawyer?” “When is the court case for the trial of the victim?” “What evidence do you have against the victim?” “Why is your suspect bleeding so much?” “Your suspect is now in a wheelchair did he have an accident?”

But you never know. There might be a flaw or a glitch in the system and you might find yourself with a journalist that actually uses 1% of their brain. If that is the case they might ask one of those tough questions above, do not panic. Simply relax and say “this is top classified information.” No matter the question always responded with “this is top classified information.”

If the questions get too much …. end the press conference!

At that point the media will take your press story and run with it. None of them will investigate your claims or doubt your stories. They will just cut and paste. And soon your news will start trending on social media, blogs and might even get a mention on international media. Thus making you, SSS and GEJ look good!

Sincerely Director General Of The Nigeria SSS

Okechukwu Ofili is an author, speaker, and blogger and a The Trent Elite Voice. Follow him on twitter, Facebook or subscribe to his blog for more honest talk and as @ofilispeaks on instagram for more sketches! To bring Ofili to your school or organization as a speaker simply go here. His third book How Intelligence Kills was published in December 2013, order it at https://bit.ly/intelligencekills.

The opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author.