Ever since reading a recent survey in the UK’s Daily Mail, I’ve had that old Depeche Mode song in my head: “Let’s play Master and Servant.” According to the survey, almost 80% of women and 90% of men are excited by the domination and submission theme of the 50 Shades trilogy. Why? Well, kinky sex has inherent appeal, but straight-laced statistics offer another explanation.
If the average couple has sex 2-3 times a week, by their tenth anniversary, they will have had sex over fifteen hundred times. That’s not a bad thing, unless fourteen hundred of those have been in the same place, in the same positions and with the same twists, turns and tweaks. When a couple toys with the playful side of domination and submission, they are able to behave — and have their partners behave — in a way that is unfamiliar and unexpected. That’s when sex is most exciting.
Unfortunately, there is little physical variety or mental arousal in the bedrooms of many long-term couples, and that’s my definition of vanilla sex. It has less to do with sexual puritanism and more to do with a bland sexual experience. Despite its innocuous name, vanilla sex can make couples ask serious questions about their relationship. Have we lost our spark? Are we falling out of love? Is my partner bored with me? Such doubts can chip away at solid relationships.
For many couples, mainstream BDSM can add flavor to vanilla sex. The novelty of physical sensations, combined with the mental eroticism of sexual power-plays, brings a tantalizingly taboo element to sex. It is that type of eroticism that I discuss in 50 Ways to Play: BDSM for Nice People, a “how-to” book that helps women make the leap from fantasy erotica into real-life sexplay, thereby kick-starting the sexual connection of long-term couples.
Here are 8 BDSM-themed ideas to spice-up sex tonight:
1. Set the stage
While you don’t need a dungeon to dabble in BDSM, you should eroticize your bedroom. Get rid of the kids’ toys, your laptop and the loads of dirty laundry. Replace your cotton sheets with satin, burn some incense and put a red bulb in your bedside lamp.
2. Play a mind game
Sexual anticipation is a big part of BDSM. Roll the dice to determine who will be dominant. Whoever wins should plan out a sexual experience for his or her partner and then build erotic expectation by dropping hints (or warnings) about what is to come.
3. Be different
All that leather and latex in BDSM has a purpose. It adds tactile and visual novelty by changing the way a partner’s body feels and looks during sex. Change something about yourself. More vamp, less Victoria’s Secret. Wear a new fragrance or a temporary tattoo.
4. Show some restraint
Whether you use hand-cuffs or cotton rope, restraint gear can help the dominant partner indulge in a playful sense of sexual control while the submissive partner revels in erotic vulnerability. Try restraint in different positions. Spread-eagle on the bed is great. So is standing with arms overhead: Tie your partner’s wrists to a high door hook or a shower rod. This exposes the sensitive stretch of skin along the sides of the body, which you can then kiss, tickle or…
5. See no evil
Sensory deprivation is another element of BDSM that couples can adapt to mainstream sex. When eyesight is restricted, the other senses are heightened. Spritz a pair of stockings with perfume and use them to blindfold him, or have him blindfold you with a necktie that smells of his cologne.
6. Spanking and Role Play
Playful spanking increases blood flow to the buttocks and genital region, which increases pleasure and sensation. Add a role-play element for extra impact.
7. Cool it
Run an ice cube over your restrained, blind-folded partner’s spanked bottom for a surprising yet soothing temperature change. Slide the cube over his or her nipples and genitals and follow the icy trail with hot exhalations and licks of your tongue.
8. Warm wax play
This involves dripping warm wax onto a partner’s bare flesh (not the genitals) and watching the sudden flicker of pain fade into lingering pleasure. Use a specialty candle designed for this, as regular candles will burn the skin.
As you can see from these bite-sized suggestions, it is the interplay of light domination, submission and high-sensory sex — all elements of BDSM — that “nice” couples can use to add zing to vanilla sex and rediscover their sexual bond. When practiced in a safe, sane, consensual and fun way, BDSM-themed sexplay doesn’t just feel good, it does good.
Debra Macleod is a relationship author-expert and classicist. Connect with her on Twitter @DebraMacleod. Culled from HuffPost.
