Cosmo’s Bermuda Triangle might get you lost, but it won’t get you laid.
At first I had hope. Call me crazy. But I did. When I saw Cosmo posted a story called “28 Mind-Blowing Lesbian Sex Positions,” for one second I thought, “Oh wow!” “Look at that!” “Cosmo is becoming more inclusive!” But it wasn’t one second later before my bubble was eternally and mind-shakingly burst.
It was as if a straight frat boy took out his doodle pad and drew every scene from every porn he had ever witnessed with Barbie or Disney princesses playing the leading roles, with their impossibly tiny bodies and silky, gravity-defying hair.
The positions were all hetero-normative fantasies of lesbian sex at their worst and silly at their best.
But I didn’t realize how truly insane and downright impossible they were until I called on my queer friends to act them out. I mean there was no way. Arms and legs were missing. It was impossible to hold up one’s own body weight, let alone the body weight of the other person in half of them. We had to balance on our tip toes and contort our bodies in the most insane ways. And, most importantly, there was nothing arousing about any of it.
None of the important parts were touching any of the other important parts unless you have a thing for lymph nodes or belly buttons or belt buckles. And you’d have to be either double-jointed or have your legs broken to make some of them work. Oh, and if you can’t levitate — including levitating your hair and beaded jewelry — you’re in real trouble.
It was like playing a hilarious game of Twister.
In other words, these positions are stupid. They are straight imaginations of what real women do in bed. If you’re still confused, let me just be really clear here: We have sex. We fuck. We use our fingers and our bodies and our mouths and our toys and we get ourselves and each other off. Just like straight people do. There’s stimulation and penetration and vibration. There’s licking and sucking and smacking and grabbing. There’s kissing and playing and laughing and coming. Lots and lots of coming.
But there is not, I repeat, there is not anyone rubbing foreheads on each others’ belly buttons or rubbing bottoms against anyone’s sternum, not in the name of having an orgasm any way.
I will say that Cosmo has a bad habit of offering silly sex advice to straight people too. (Remember the donut on the penis… ) So, it’s nice to know they come by this kind of nonsense honestly.
But there’s an added layer when it comes to misinformation about lesbian sex. This kind of garbage just adds to the idea that lesbians exist for male enjoyment somehow and that we don’t have “real” sex and that we’re silly girls pulling each others’ hair and having pillow fights. So, in that case, this stuff is downright dangerous.
As I’m finishing up my book on the female orgasm, I am reminded by articles like these that we girls, especially queer girls, still have a lot of myth-busting to do.
So in honor of that, without further ado, here are some of my queer friends performing 14 of Cosmo’s Ridiculous Ode to Lesbian Sex Positions.
Special thanks to my queer crew, Alley Hector et al.
Hot Hair Salon
a.k.a. The Hot Miss. As in, you’re missing the point.
Bermuda Triangle
a.k.a. The Hide and Seek. Between standing on one leg and not being able to get to her goodies, this position is a losing proposition.
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Over the Edge
a.k.a. I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up. All work and no play does not equal sexy time.
Back that Ass Up
a.k.a. Back That Plank Up or Look, Mom, I’m Flying! And this works how?
Ride ‘Em Cowgirl
a.k.a. Are We There Yet? The answer is you’ll never get there with this position.
The Wicked Warm Up
a.k.a. To the Belt Buckle We Pray. I’m sorry. What is the point here?
The Tawdry Tire Swing
a.k.a. Napping. Yup. That’s what’s happening here. One girl napping on another girl. Next please.
The Passionate Pole Dancer
a.k.a. The Flying Leap. Which is what it looks like she’s about to take off my lap.
The Erotic Maypole
a.k.a. The Terrible Tango. No one is getting off here. Ever.
The Espresso
a.k.a. Namaste Bitches. Seriously. How would this even work? Do they even know where a woman’s clit is?
The Classic Scissor
a.k.a. A Little to the Right. As in, can you move a little to the right? I can’t see the TV.
The Sexy Spider
a.k.a. Dear Santa. All we want for Christmas are positions that will actually result in orgasms. Oh, wait. We have those. You just won’t find them in that Cosmo story!
Tantric Tete a Tete
AKA The Breast Exam. You’re lymph nodes feel normal. See you next year!
The Belly Dancer
a.k.a. The Hula Crunch. Just 100 more to go!
