Sexual regrets are like flowers — they come in all different shapes and sizes. However, unlike flowers, they don’t make you happy, are not pretty, and, if they have a smell, it isn’t good.
Some guys (and a few girls) on Reddit listed off some of their greatest sexual regrets and they really run the gamut. The stories include everything from accidentally turning down incredible sexual situations to a guy who straight up rubbed toothpaste all over his penis for some reason. Regardless of the specifics, the stories all share the common thread of a guy doing a SERIOUS disservice to his manhood.
The only thing to do with regrets like these is to laugh. Laugh and LEARN. Check them out below:
1. Rubbing toothpaste on my penis when I was a kid. Thought I was going to die. – silencerider
2. So for this story it’s important to know that as a high school kid I was ridiculously awkward and shy. Complete and total cringe-level, but here goes.
In high school, about 16 years old or so, had just finished an extracurricular contest with group and we were eating out at Pizza Hut. Finished up and the teachers paid out. I opted to go get myself a refill of my drink before we left, and walked up and asked the girl working at the counter (about the same age as me) for one.
- Her response: “So, like, can I get your number?”
- Me: “Uhm…. I don’t have a phone.”
- Her: “What about like, a house phone?”
- Me: “….we don’t have a phone at my house.”
- Her: “What about like, a friend’s phone?”
- Me(in FULL panic mode now): “I…..don’t have any friends???”
I ran out the door in a panic, didn’t even take my drink refill from the counter. – ManInTheHat
3. A girl I was sleeping with stayed over at my place, her friend stayed too due to drinking. They slept in my bed and invited me in, I said I would sleep on the floor so they’d have room to sleep. I hate myself.
Edit: it was two girls and yeah I think I pulled the gentlemanly move -overly_obviousanswer
4. When I was 8 I put my dick into a soap bottle. Dear god I can still feel it burn sometimes. – pineapple_entspress
5. I stuck a eyeliner applicator in my dickhole. – HITLERS_SEX_PARTY
6. Dropped a girl off at her front door after a successful date. Said goodnight, kissed her, and said “I’ve always wanted to do that”.
She responded “was there anything else you wanted to do?”
“Nope. Good night.”
I drive away into the night, grinning like the stupid 19 year old I was. It wasn’t until a couple of years later I realized I’d missed an opportunity. -harplaw
7. There was this new girl who transferred to run track at my college (I ran, as well). I was immediately infatuated with her. She had THE nicest body I had ever seen.
Long story short, after going to a lame party together and getting bored, I said I was gonna get out of there. She came with me without me even implying she should. She stripped down to a fucking THONG, in my room, and we made out for like 10 seconds. I’m sure it was so brief because at this point in my life I had never made out with anyone before and was super nervous, so she probably thought I wasn’t interested. I said we should probably just go to sleep, so she rolled over, pulled my arm over her and put my hand right on her tit. I went to sleep. I WENT TO SLEEP. In the morning, I made her breakfast and then took her back to campus. We never hung out again. What. The. Fuck.
If I had been as experienced then as I am now, there is no doubt in my mind we would have fucked like animals multiple times that night. What’s more is one of my better friends from college, who also ran track, started dating her. And he told me about all the crazy shit she was into. Then I REALLY felt stupid.
The end. – Snaab
8. An ex-girlfriend invited another couple over to have a four-way. Except, it was a threesome because I wasn’t in town at the time. – Link-to-the-Pastiche
9. I had a very close female friend for about 3 years I was desperately in love with, she never outright returned my feelings but we had many encounters of the budding adolescent variety that I hoped one day would end up with P in V.
One night she fights with her mother and comes over to my house, she asks if she can stay over, not a problem I say she insists we sleep in the same bed.
When getting ready for bed she strikes up a conversation about how she usually sleeps topless and asks if I’d mind. Of course not, I say, what could be more natural between two good friends.
During the course of going to sleep she makes herself into a small spoon and slides my hand up over her left breast and lies there, I assume this is part of what normal friends would do and ignoring my own…comfort…I fall asleep, we wake the next morning to her mother banging on the door and she is dragged home, our night together forgotten.
Another time with the same girl and a very attractive friend of hers, we are about 17 and sharing a bottle of cheap vodka someone stole from somewhere and the two of them begin to make out and teasingly try to get me to join in, they compare breast sizes in front of me and make jokey comments about how being a room like this must have me hard as a rock.
I defended myself, wanting to be cool “it takes way more then this to get me going!” and I sat at that table in that completely parent free caravan at the back of the yard sipping vodka and watching them trying to entice me, resisting their charms like a boss. – nationalmaverick
10. Turning down girls who threw themselves at me. I’ve always only been with women I loved and now I’m single again and want to have some fun they’re nowhere to be found! – Snoochey
11. Haven’t had sex in over a year. Met this fine and down to Earth woman at the pub. Being drunk and totally punching above my weight, I asked her over for dinner and drinks. Fast forward to the next night: she is hotter and nicer than I’d remembered, 10 years younger than me too! And I’m terribly hung-over. We chat, drinks, eat, chat . I’m feeling bad… Hot and cold waves, listening to her but not focusing on anything but how bad my head and stomach are feeling. 4 hours later, she’s sitting on the floor in front of me (stretching – she’s a dancer) and asks if I’d ever had a lap dance… I tell her I’d had one at a club but found it sleazy. I change the subject to something along the lines of feeling ill from the night before and maybe calling it a night. She makes a joke about me kicking her out already, then suggests I lay on the bed while she plays guitar. I thank her for the lovely gesture but start cleaning up a little. I take her out to her car and that’s that.
I’m am an idiot! Never had the nerve to call her again. – BungholeNeedsTP
12. Losing my virginity to the dirtiest, sluttiest girl in high school. Back then, I thought I was the shit. I thought I was so cool. My Bros were going to look at me like a God. I am completely shocked I didn’t get anything. Honestly wished I would have saved myself for someone else. Someone I wanted to share that experience with. Not fuck some chick on the sofa a bunch of times. I might be a guy but I want romantic god dammit. -Dweb1029
13. A girl invited me over for a blow job but I said I was sick so I could stay home and watch the Chappell show. – joelpyro
14. The worst for me was I was at a Run the Jewels concert, hammered as shit, and this girl starts talking to me while my friends trying to get his jacket from coat check. I’m talking to her and her friend about God knows what, and I said something about calling me to let me know whatever the fuck we were talking about. And she said, “I would but I don’t have your number.” And then hung around and I said, “you’re right you don’t.” And then she just stared at me. And then she left with her friends. And then 4 months later I’m doing fucking spreadsheets at work and it hits me, that she was flirting with me, and I was a thirsty mother fucker at the time, so I don’t know how I didn’t see it. – PrometheusYo
15. Similarly, I was at a girl’s place, hanging out and having a few drinks before heading out. I’d kissed her previously and knew she was interested.
I walked in on her getting changed, and said “Oh shit, sorry”, to which she said “well, maybe you should get naked too”. I took a second, then said “What? No, I’m already dressed to go out.”
I didn’t realise what I’d done until about 2 weeks later. – dspm90
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