by Laura Berman
Premature ejaculation (PE), which I prefer to call early ejaculation, is the most common sexual problem facing men under 40. While it’s important to understand the physical and emotional causes of PE, it might appeal to the male “fix-it” nature instead to suggest certain techniques known to slow or stop PE.
I refer to these techniques, which you can teach him so that he can learn to delay his sexual response, as a woman’s special “tool box.” By dipping into the tool box, you can do more than just try to extend his erection — you can further build your relationship and deepen your intimate connection. You will both benefit from your role as Ms. Fix-It!
Here are seven of the most effective tools.
Deep Breathing
Deep breathing is a form of meditation that can sometimes help control the arousal and tension that lead to early ejaculation. Try to see if he can avoid shallow, short breathing, which speeds up his heartbeat and can trigger EE. Try to get him to spend five seconds breathing in one deep, full breath, hold it for about three seconds, and then exhale for five seconds. If he can do this for about five minutes without breaking the rhythm, he may be able to use it in the bedroom. Plus, focusing on each other’s breathing, and how it rises and falls, can build an intimate connection.
The Stop-and-Start Method
This begins as a solo exercise. Your partner should begin by masturbating alone, bringing himself close to orgasm and stopping. After relaxing, he should continue bringing himself closer and closer to orgasm until he can’t hold it any longer. (Doing this several times by himself without distraction will help him learn where his point of no return is.) When he feels that he has mastered the technique, the two of you should engage in sexual activity that stops short of intercourse.
This method requires one of you to squeeze the base of the penis at the same point that the stop-and-start technique would be used, when he is at the brink of orgasm. The idea is to reduce your partner’s erection through squeezing. Just as with the stop-and-start method, your partner should do it on his own first, master it, and then invite you to practice the technique with him.
Kegel Exercises
Kegels aren’t just for women. There’s no better method to strengthen the pelvic region than to create a strong pubococcygeus muscle (PC muscle), which can help control ejaculation. The easiest way for him to find this muscle is to see if he can stop the flow of urine when he goes to the bathroom. It’s the PC muscle that he uses to do that. Once he finds it, he needs to practice feeling exactly where it is located and make sure he engages it, rather than using his abdominals, buttocks, or thighs. (These must all stay loose when doing Kegel exercises.) To do Kegels, he will quickly clench and release the PC muscle repeatedly for ten seconds. He should do three sets, with a ten-second break between sets. If he contracts his PC muscle when he’s close to orgasm, he should be able to slow things down.
Tantric Techniques
Sex that is truly explorative is more than just traditional physical pleasure. Try using the tantric techniques of establishing an intimate connection, including when he’s nearing the point of no return. When he approaches that point, he should cease stimulation (i.e., pull out), then contract the PC muscle and lower his chin to his chest (this is important, as it prevents energy from rising too high and making him feel ungrounded). He should then draw in a breath, feeling the warmth of sexual energy rise upwards in his body. Repeat this as needed, until the desire to release is no longer urgent.
Condoms With Benzocaine
The results vary, but climax-control condoms can extend sexual activity and delay a male’s climax as long as five minutes. These condoms have benzocaine in the tip; it’s a mild anesthetic with a slight numbing effect, so it can help to decrease his sexual sensation and bring his sexual response down to a more manageable level. Don’t worry, he can still enjoy sex! And while he doesn’t need the protective benefits of a condom during masturbation, he can try using the condoms in a solo session to see if they help to prolong and control his excitement.
Promescent
Just recently, a new medication for early ejaculation was approved by the FDA. Promescent is a topical medication that is applied to the penis ten minutes before sexual activity, and it helps a man to better manage the sensations of sex through desensitization. However, unlike other topical medications for early ejaculation, Promescent absorbs below the skin where the nerve endings that control ejaculation are located. A man receives only the dosage needed to control his ejaculation while still allowing him to enjoy the sensations of sex, and since it is absorbed into the skin, it will not negatively impact his partner’s sensations.
Medical Options
Even though your partner may not be depressed, the SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) family of antidepressants, including drugs such as Prozac and Zoloft, may help his EE. The drugs can be taken several hours before sexual activity, and since they inhibit arousal, they can help make it easier for a man to control ejaculation. Before he makes a decision regarding these drugs, which require a prescription, he will need to see either his general practitioner or a urologist; he should also ask about and keep in mind the side effects of SSRIs.
Laura Berman, PhD, is a leading sex and relationship educator and therapist, popular TV and radio host, New York Times best-selling author, and assistant clinical professor of ob-gyn and psychiatry at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University in Chicago. This article is culled from Everyday Health.
