What makes a woman love sex? Is it the right partner? The perfect body? Luck? Nope. It’s about you. Women who love sex are experts at their own pleasure. Jumpstart your sex life and learn how to be one of them…
Do It Yourself: Masturbation 101
The first step toward becoming a woman who loves sex is to love yourself – literally. Translation: Masturbate. Knowing that an orgasm is just a few strokes away will make you a more confident, sexual being. You’ll be in good company: Studies suggest that more than two-thirds of women masturbate regularly.
Once you’ve become a pro at reaching orgasm solo, you’ll be more confident sexually since you’ll know what turns you on. The next challenge is bringing your newfound knowledge to the bedroom – when you’re with a partner.
Most women can achieve orgasm within three minutes by themselves. With a partner, it takes an average of 20 minutes – and even then, many women don’t get there.
The remedy: Pay attention to what you do when you masturbate. Do you touch your breasts or abdomen? Do you start with a certain technique, then switch once you’re aroused? Do you imagine someone doing something to you? Don’t keep this information to yourself! Tell him – nicely – or show him. Chances are you’ll both need a bit of patience and practice to get his touch, timing and technique to mimic yours. But once you succeed, you’ll overcome frustration and anxiety about being able to reach orgasm. You’ll actually look forward to sex – and you’ll enjoy it more.
If you don’t masturbate, start. The genitals are a body part like any other. They deserve your attention. If you feel ashamed or anxious about masturbating, read books like The Science of Orgasm (The Johns Hopkins University Press, 2006). If reading about orgasms isn’t your style, consider a couple sessions with a sex therapist.
Dress to Feel Sexy
A woman who loves sex exudes sensual confidence not just on special occasions, but in her daily life.
If you’re feeling frumpy and unappealing, chances are you’re not going to be much of a sexpot in the bedroom. Sex appeal starts with the little things, so put some effort into your appearance even for everyday errand-running. You don’t need to spend hours in front of the mirror or invest in pricey, uncomfortable lingerie; just do what makes you feel confident and attractive. Wear clothes that accentuate the best parts of your body. Paint your nails fire engine red!
Or treat yourself to a soothing massage, and then repeat what you’ve learned during foreplay to get both you and your partner turned on.
Make these things a priority, whether it’s as simple as shaving your legs every morning or scrapping those worn, saggy undies for pretty new ones.
The key to carrying yourself like a sex goddess is thinking of yourself as one. If you do, others will, too – and they’ll respond accordingly.
Have good posture, put on a smile and walk with purpose and confidence; you’ll exude sexuality.
As Dr. Christiane Northrup, author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom (Bantam, 2006), puts it: “Every thought has a biochemical reality in the body. Uplifting thoughts and emotions are associated with an entirely different mix of neuropeptides and hormones than are thoughts of panic, fear or anger. So entertain thoughts that produce the biochemistry of health and joy.”
Get Out of Your Head
Ultimately, your mindset is more important than any other factor in improving your sex life – even skinny thighs or big breasts.
Sex is about pleasure, and when you’re consumed with thoughts like, “What’s he thinking?” and “I feel silly/unattractive/inadequate right now,” your sexual satisfaction suffers. Unfortunately, just about everybody does it.
“The key is for women to stop evaluating their performance and learn how to focus on the enjoyment and connection that’s happening during sex,” says Dr. Kerrie Grow McLean, a Chicago-based psychologist and sex therapist.
McLean recommends that when you find yourself “spectatoring” instead of enjoying, say or do something that brings your attention back to the moment. Tell your partner, for example, “You feel so good against my skin” or “I love when you kiss my neck.”
Or concentrate on him. Go for his favorite spot or kiss him all over. You’ll redirect the focus to his pleasure and help relieve your self-doubt.
Work to overcome your own self-consciousness. Remind yourself that obviously he’s attracted to you or he wouldn’t be in bed with you. Odds are nobody thinks your thighs are as huge as you do. Women tend to exaggerate figure flaws and obsess over little things nobody else even notices or considers a turn-off. Act confident – even if it’s only an act at first. It will make sex more pleasurable for both you and your partner.
Take the Lead
Studies by Dr. Rosemary Basson, Vancouver, BC-based sex researcher, show that sexual desire in women may actually come after arousal. This may explain why you end up enjoying sex on those occasions when you weren’t in the mood initially. So don’t wait for desire to strike. Instead, make it happen.
Add some va-va-voom to your relationship by grabbing your partner and initiating foreplay. Send him a racy text message about how you’re looking forward to being alone with him later. Wear some sexy lingerie under your regular clothes and let him discover this nice surprise while you’re fooling around.
But what if you’re just not in the mood after a busy day?
Try a change of atmosphere. Escape from the hectic pace of everyday life with a hot bubble bath. Set the mood with some candles. Buy an expensive chocolate truffle and savor it, concentrating on the silky texture as it moves across your tongue. Whatever it is that takes you from stressed to sex-crazed, do it… regularly.
Try Something New – Twice
Generally speaking, good sex is anything but routine sex. You never know if something new is going to send your mojo into overdrive until you’ve tried it.
“Expand your sexual horizons by giving yourself a chance,” advises Dana Grossman of Chicago’s female-friendly erotica shop, G Boutique. “If your partner pulls out a new move or you want to indulge a curiosity, go for it!”
Give yourself at least two tries to see if you like a new position, sex toy, fantasy game, or other tantalizing bedroom trick. Remember learning to ride a bike? Getting the hang of something new can take practice.
Let Your Imagination Run Wild
Women who love sex have healthy fantasy lives. But often, women suppress or ignore sexual fantasies out of embarrassment or guilt. (Doesn’t fantasizing suggest that my real sex life is lacking? If I’m not fantasizing about my current partner, isn’t that like cheating?) Stop worrying and let your creative juices flow. Fantasy is all about exploring taboo – safely and privately. It’s the reservoir for all the sultry, secret desires we deny ourselves as responsible, respectable adults.
Not only is it natural to dream of sexual scenarios that don’t necessarily involve your partner, it’s healthy. So let your imagination run wild with the sex acts that you might be mortified to describe to anyone. Remember, nobody has to know about your fantasies; they’re your own private sexual playground (unless you want to share them, of course).
Exploring your fantasies might even provide inspiration to take your sex life to new heights. If a certain sexual scenario repeats itself in your mind or gives you a lot of pleasure, ask yourself the following: What is this telling me? Can I act on part of it? Even if you can’t – or wouldn’t dare – replicate the specifics, you may be able to hone in on the emotional keys that excite you most. If it’s an S&M fantasy, would being more assertive or submissive make sex better for you? If it’s a knight-in-shining-armor fantasy, would a more romantic, evocative backdrop in the bedroom – candlelight, velvet blankets or gown – add to your enjoyment of sex? Learning what works for you – and why – can help improve your sex life beyond even your wildest dreams.
(via Life Script)
