After making the big move to New York at 21, I had a never-ending string of suitors. I had it down to a science.
I would go on dates three to five evenings a week. My dates were all over the map: various degrees of education, divorced or never married, with or without children, between 24 and 44.
While none of the relationships were physical, I enjoyed having choices. The best part? Being exposed to so many different personality types helped me grow into a young woman ready to take on the world.
Marriage and children were sincere afterthoughts at the time. My focus was my career, and although I wanted a boyfriend, I usually didn’t take any of the guys in my dating rotation seriously enough to commit to one. At some point, I imagined, I’d happen upon someone who would be IT — I would just know.
Well, a lot has changed since then.
These days, it takes one HELL of a guy to get me off the couch and into a little black dress after work. My ‘dating rotation’ is, indeed, a thing of the past. I don’t have the schedule, patience — I refuse to waste my damn time! — or the short-term memory to support it.
How is dating less men actually MORE effective, you ask? Let me count the ways:
1. Quality over quantity, ladies.
Many single women complain that there aren’t enough good men left, and the good men that ARE left are already — womp, womp — taken. So ladies, if so few men meet your personal standards, you can’t possibly expect to manage six or seven quality guys in your dating rotation!
It’s simple: if you’re casually dating six guys, only about two will find their way into your ‘Potential Husband’ pile.
2. Most of your dates probably won’t go anywhere.
Most of the time I dated casually, many of my dating options were just that: casual. Sometimes we’d be approaching Date #8 with no real understanding of our status or where the hell we were heading. That was fine for a 22-year-old hanging out, but as a woman, I don’t have time for those kinds of games.
If you’ve gone on several dates with a guy, and it’s not going anywhere then he doesn’t deserve your time.
3. Dating is all about time.
When you’re really into someone, and they’re into you, chances are you’ll spend more time together on the phone and in person. He’ll also make himself more available to you and likely move up in your dating rotation. While it’s good to play a little hard-to-get, it’s difficult to spend time with a top pick with and move forward with a potential relationship when you still crave the company other guys.
If a guy is your #1, INVEST IN HIM. And if you’re HIS #1, he’ll continue to invest in you.
4. Leave the filler for processed meat.
Most of the time, ‘filler’ guys are the ones who allow you to play hard-to-get with your top pick. It’s okay to entertain yourself with fillers every now and then, but always have the forefront of your mind. Keep in mind, though, if you spend enough time with a ‘filler’, you may end up developing an unintentional (dare I say it?) emotional attachment. This can potentially sabotage things with your top pick.
5. Practice ‘purposeful dating’.
Keeping a bunch of fillers around who aren’t Mr. Right can lead to dangerous consequences. If you become vulnerable — whether it’s sending a 2 AM drunk text or just craving male companionship, sex or otherwise — you may end up falling into bed with someone you don’t see a future with. While pregnancy and STDs are important to think about, you also have to consider that you’ve put this guy in the ‘filler’ category because he lacks something you desire in a mate.
Bottom line: he’s not the man you want to be with, so don’t get physical with him unless you want to go through the eventual emotional detachment, or err, uncoupling.
6. He has feelings, too.
Even though men may not stop seeing other women until they’re in a committed relationship, he might be a little shocked to find out you’re dating other dudes. (I know; double standard.) If you’re seeing him pretty consistently and communication is constant, probably best to avoid discussing your dating habits with him if you are, in fact, still seeing other people. But, frankly, it’s far too much of a hassle to mislead someone for an extended period of time.
Don’t string him along too long!
7. You’ll start mixing up facts between guys.
Here’s where my lack of short-term memory comes into play. Have you ever confused a birthday? Asked someone what college they went to three times? Yeah…that’s why I quit my rotation.
Listen, the dating rotation game (and having a roster of suitors) is definitely fun and exciting at a certain time in your life, but when it comes to wanting a serious relationship or marriage, this male-dominated method of dating in quantity just isn’t the same for women. We have different biological limitations.
My advice: Go about dating with a goal and be purposeful about who you spend your time with.
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