by Anne Radcliffe
Before you ACTUALLY were pregnant… did you look forward to getting pregnant? Being told that you glow? Did you buy into this vision that being pregnant would make you an angelic round lump of contented domesticity with a perfect bun in the oven and out of it?
I hope that, by now, you agree with me that we’ve all figured out this is a bunch of bull.
I posed a simple question to the ladies that make up the BLUNTmoms writer group: what happened that you weren’t expecting? What followed was a giant Facebook thread (vomited out in a huge rush of pent-up rage) of every gross, unbelievable, obnoxious symptom and weird thing that nobody told us can happen during pregnancy, labor, and even afterwards (there’s almost enough stuff here to write a book).
Why did no one tell us this? One can only presume that people tried to keep us in the dark because if we knew what we were in for, we’d never have let a guy within half a mile of our hoo-has. Humanity itself might have gone extinct. Once we do this thing, however, we discover that miracle-making has some dirty little secrets, but this is real life, and it’s awesome… even when it’s not (obviously so, because a lot of us get back in line to do it all over again in spite of being forewarned).
Motherhood is a joy, but it sometimes comes covered in snot, bucket sweat, and poop. It also comes with lots of groping from strangers, in case that floats your boat.
There was only one thing to do about it: we had to organize the list of “What Weren’t You Told To Expect When You’re Expecting” and ask the rest of you… are we wrong? And more importantly — did we miss any of your personal “favorites”?
1. The Worst, Most Painful Acne You’ve Ever Experienced
Your teenage years have nothing on the cystic acne that might develop. On your neck. Behind your ears. All over your chin. Even on your back and chest. It’s that, or you’ll have fabulous skin your entire pregnancy only to blister up like you jammed your head in a beehive immediately after giving birth. What the heck, hormones? Cut a girl a break.
2. Your Nose Is Your Enemy
Nosebleeds? Yup. Constant running nose? Check. Buy stock in Kleenex? No? Better get stock trading, girlfriend. Also — you might just discover that your nose has become super-powered. You’ll be able to identify what others ate for lunch in the smell of their urine, which may cause marital strife when you realize your hubby’s been sneaking the good stuff you’ve sworn to abstain from. You will also be convinced you stink. You might have to ban certain types of foods for the duration of your entire pregnancy, because these foods smell like crap. Literally. No there will be no rhyme or reason. It might be chicken. It might be cooked broccoli.
3. All-F***ing-Day Sickness
Sometimes it ends. Sometimes you will vomit your entire way through pregnancy to the delivery room. Sometimes you might even find yourself hospitalized for dehydration because of it. Cupcakes, I wish I could tell you that it’s extremely rare that morning sickness lingers. It’s not.
4. Your Body Flakes Out
Inexplicable, random numbness; painful sciatica; backaches; headaches; killer heartburn — the kind that makes you convinced you have your kid’s hair crawling up your throat; stabbing pains in your groin; feeling like you’ve got a cannonball sitting on your perineum; constant Charlie horses in the soles of your feet; passing out every time you have a warm shower… All this and more can be yours. Find a chiropractor. And one of those old-person shower stools.
5. Your Mouth Becomes Devious
You don’t snore? Now you do. You will snore so loudly sometimes that you’ll even wake yourself up, likely with an open mouth and drool soaking your hair and pillow. Speaking of drool, you might drool everywhere at all times. You could spray drool when you eat and salivate like a rabid dog. Also, everything tastes wrong. Weird. Sometimes like metal.
6. You Become a Sweaty, Hairy She-Beast
Your body responds to hormones like you’ve become Teen-Wolf. You will sweat at all times, and you will probably leave a body-shaped sweat-stain on your mattress by the 40th week. Your nipples become dark, weird pebbly things. You will sprout hair. Randomly. Everywhere. Pubes will begin to traverse down your thighs and even come out of your nipples. Even from out of the sides of your nose? What??
7. Mom-nesia and Other General Dementia
You will cry over commercials. You will cause international incidents over what time McDonald’s opens. You will become convinced everyone is stupid. You will spend months with irrational anger and just wanting to punch people in the face. You will become stupid and suddenly be unable to spell your name or complete a sentence. You’ll forget where you’re going, open the fridge door and forget what you opened it for, lose your car keys 12 times a day. You will become paranoid and be convinced that the baby will suffocate and die if you sleep on your back. Or develop ADHD if you drink half a cup of tea.
8. Going to the Bathroom is Your Worst Nightmare
You will have to pee every time you stand up (also sit, twist, shift, or answer the phone), and also possibly every 15 minutes. You could leak pee even when you don’t mean to. And let’s not talk about pooping… because of those prenatal vitamins, you will be so constipated you’ll convince yourself you are dying. Every bathroom trip is like its own little mini-delivery preparatory scenario, complete with bucket-sweat, grunting, and pushing. Hemorrhoids may develop. They will itch and bleed. You may even find yourself discreetly “tucking your anus back in” every bathroom break by the time you take your last prenatal vitamin pill.
9. Farting Becomes a Free-for-All
Forget it, princesses. By about month 5 or 6, you begin your glorious physical transcendence into a gaseous, waddling rhino. You will fart. You will be accompanied by a melodious trumpeting symphony whenever you walk. Your hubby will Google those carbon-lined toot-diapers to protect himself from the massive collateral damage caused by your booty-bombs. You will have gas pains so bad you might think you’re having false labor or placental abruptions. You will have to sneak away from polite company to find a closet to hide in while you try to rearrange your innards enough to eke out a few squeakers. At least, because of the prenatal vitamins, sharting isn’t a problem. Buuuuut… cause you always gotta go, they will smell worse than usual.
Don’t we have an interesting mix of pregnancy experiences? Now how about you? Shout it out: which of these things did you endure? Anything we missed?
Anne Radcliff is a mom and blooger at FoodRetro. This article was originally posted over at BLUNTmoms.com.
