by Emma Nicholson
Just like many long-time married couples, my husband and I fell into a sexual black hole very quickly after our marriage seven years ago. The kids, house, our careers, the mortgage — everything, actually — took precedence over the passion that once consumed us when we were dating. For example, “BJ” no longer meant fellatio, but a pint of Ben & Jerry’s shared while watching an Ancient Alien Theories marathon. Pretty pathetic.
Both of us longed to reconnect and enjoy intimacy once again and consulted the kids’ and our schedules to nail down a good time. We would head up the stairs (while lugging laundry and toys so as not to have to make another trip), jump into bed, do the deed and then immediately jump right back up to finish the night’s chores. Needless to say, despite the physical act, no one’s boat was afloat at all.
The problem was not that we weren’t attracted to each other anymore, but rather we were not paying attention to the most erogenous zone of all: the mind. When we were dating, we enjoyed the anticipation of seeing each other and a bit more effort was made to be sexually attractive with our words and dress. My husband recently said he remembered a special naughty night when we were dating and he still thought about it to this day. That was 10 years ago!
So, I set off to turn on my husband’s mind. Here are my top tips:
1. Write an erotic story: Every couple has trouble communicating their needs and, let’s face it, during the act is not the time to break out the instruction manual. I wrote an erotic story and included every known male fantasy as well as what I wanted from my husband (as well as making my boobs perky and butt ‘ass-tastic.’ Hey, it was my fantasy, too.) Now, I have no intention of actually doing some of those things, but it drove my husband wild thinking about them and knowing I had thought about them, too. You know his buttons, so press them!
2. The carefully-placed sex toy: I am not a big fan of sex toys even though they do now come in lavender or fuchsia, are adorned with feathers and have cute names (by the way, it’s kinda awkward doing the nasty with something called “The Bunny” or an equally cute name. Just sayin’.) I did, however, buy a reasonable facsimile of the male sex organ (give or take five inches or so) and left that sucker in the shower for my husband to see. The look on his face was priceless:
“Did you just…?”
“Oh, shoot. Did I leave that in there?” As I sashayed off to make breakfast. The answer was “Yes, I did use it to get to places on my back my loofah couldn’t reach,” but I didn’t let him in on that little factoid. Let his thoughts run wild with what you may, but probably didn’t, do with sex toys.
3. Dress for sex-cess: On said night burned into my husband’s memory 10 years ago, I pulled out all the stops with my hair, makeup, stripper shoes, thigh high hosiery, etc. Funny, I don’t remember the sex being all that memorable because we were nervous, but apparently, that outfit made him forget the important stuff. So, last week I pulled the outfit back out and told him I needed to talk to him in the bedroom in five minutes about something very important. When he walked in and saw me in that outfit, he was immediately taken back 10 years to that great night. Now, he’s talking about Thursday of last week instead of a decade ago. And apparently, if the sex is good, you only need one outfit. What a bargain!
4. The perfectly-timed sexy comment: I’ve read over and over about how men think about sex a lot, but did you know it’s almost 60 times a day for the average male? And just how many of those times do you think it’s about you in your fuzzy slippers and sweats, which is how he last saw you this morning? Well, I have the solution and you don’t even need to brush your hair or teeth to be effective: Just as he’s walking out the door, pull him close and whisper “I want to do (fill in the blank according to your needs) to your (well, obviously there’s one option with a man) as soon as you get home. As a matter of fact, I think I’ll take a shower to hold me over.” Double score!
5. Pay him compliment on his body, then grab his ass: Men love compliments as much as women and adore it when we make them feel sexy, too. This one is great for when you want to keep the heat turned up without having to take another damn shower.
6. Give him a lap/pole dance: Now this is just fun! Who doesn’t like to dance and feel sexy? Jut don’t try it in shoes that you can’t even walk in. I got a cramp in my leg while wearing some ridiculous boots and, trust me, falling over screaming in pain is just not a turn-on. Go figure.
7. Go grocery shopping: The grocery store has a wealth of potential sex toys and accessories. You can use your imagination and create a sexual wonderland in each aisle. What’s the benefit? Guess who’s going to beat a path to his car the next time you need milk and coffee for tomorrow AND come back all ready to go? It’s a win-win all around.
These are just a few tips that worked wonders for me and my husband. I hope they are helpful for you, too. If you have tips of your own (keep it clean as possible, please), leave them in the comments.
Emma Nicholson is a humor writer, autism advocate, and veteran supporter. She tweets from @emmajnicholson. This post was first published on HuffPost.
