People of the world: Please stop.
Let me start off by saying that I don’t personally partake in any anal-related activities, so I can’t fully understand the desire to stick a random household object up your ass.
But that doesn’t mean I disapprove of it. What happens between you and your flashlight behind closed doors is none of my business — that is until you end up in the ER.
Earlier this month, a Costa Rican man had an 18-inch yucca (no need to Google, it’s just a weird plant) surgically removed from his anal cavity. Hoping to avoid this kind of embarrassing mishap, the 55-year-old man carved the plant and put two condoms over it for safe sexual use. However, the condoms ripped, and the yucca’s rough exterior gripped his insides and made us all feel a little nauseous.
According to sex educator and fitness expert Alyssa Royse, this man forgot about the most important rule: a flared base.
“The first and foremost rule for things going up your butt is that it either needs to have a flared base or be physically attached to something you can pull out,” she said. “Toys designed for anal play have a flared base so that they can’t get sucked in. And, of course, fists and fingers are attached, so you can’t lose those either.”
Still, she recommends only using sex toys designed for anal penetration rather than any ole random object. Anal toys usually have lumps and bumps that feel good, while things like sharp toy soldiers tend to feel, eh, not so good.
But if you’re not giving up that your TV remote was meant for more then just picking channels, Royce says the key for pleasure (and not ending up in the hospital) is using lube and sticking with objects that you can safely pull out.
If only these poor souls who shoved these objects up their butts had heard her advice:
1. A carrot
One late night in 1989 an Air Force officer working in the fire department answered a call from a woman claiming that three men sexually assaulted her husband and shoved a carrot up his butt. Investigation quickly revealed that wasn’t necessarily the case.
Turns out, the three men were a lie, and the couple just got a little too drunk and adventurous with their vegetables.
2. An eel
A 50-year-old Hong Kong man inserted an eel into his anus in an attempt to “relieve his constipation.”
That did not work (surprise, surprise), and an ER physician had to remove the creature, which was 50-centimeters long and found to be biting his colon. Uh ..
3. A perfume bottle
In 1986, a 39-year-old married lawyer checked into the hospital after being unable to remove a perfume bottle from his butt with a back scratcher.
This was not his first rodeo. Apparently, the man was a pro who had done this many times before. The name of the perfume — “Impulse Body Spray” — suggests that these kinds of sexual escapades resulted from moments of spontaneity.
4. Concrete
Using a glue gun, a 27-year-old man injected himself with concrete mix for “anal erotic enjoyment.”
That enjoyment quickly dissipated when the mix hardened and became internally fixed. Doctors were able to surgically remove the man’s accidental cast of his asshole, which ended up being 16 centimeters long and weighed over half pound.
5. A vibrator and tongs
Because people are still unaware of the golden flared bases rule, many nurses report getting visits like these weekly.
Once again, FLARED BASES PEOPLE. FLARED. BASES.
6. And other random miscellaneous objects.
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The internet is overflowing with x-rays of Buzz Lightyear toys, cassette tapes, keys, beer bottles, flashlights, peanut butter jars, toy cars, cell phones, guns, light bulbs, knives, Coffee Mate creamer lids, shampoo bottles, money, sunglasses, electric plugs, and a toy submarine.
Though these things could sadly not be verified, I think the above evidence proves that when it comes to sticking things in your ass, anything is possible.
This post originally appeared on Your Tango: 6+ Really Weird Things Oddies Have Gotten Stuck Up Their Butts
