by Emily Morse
I’ll let you in on a secret: One of the inspirations I had for launching the Sex With Emily podcast 10 years ago was when I always heard people saying “Wow, I had the best sex of my life last night,” or “I’m sad we broke up, it was the best sex of my life,” or “He was a bad boyfriend but we had the best sex of my life.” I certainly didn’t feel that way about my sex life at all. Sure, I’d had some good sex, even great sex, but the “best sex of my life?” I knew that was yet to come! I figured if I could get some answers about what this means to people (and how to achieve it) I could help everyone have better sex.
Now, what constitutes the “best sex” obviously differs from person to person, so I interviewed everyone I could—single, married, gay, straight, divorced—and asked them, “Why was it the best? What made it the best? How did you feel in the moment? I talked to all my early guests about their sex lives, relationships, desires and dreams. As a result of all my shows, interviews, earning a doctorate in Human Sexuality and conducting thousands of conversations and podcasts, I’ve got the answers for you! So here’s my short list of what makes truly mind-blowing sex!
1. Foreplay
No surprise here. Foreplay is a requirement, not a suggestion and is a key element to the most satisfying sexual encounters. For those who aren’t used to being treated to a full serving of delicious foreplay, it can really leave a long-lasting orgasmic impression. If you’re not getting enough of foreplay in your current situation, remember that your partner is not a mind reader and might not know exactly what you need.
Next step: Let him know you’d like to slow this party down. In fact slowing down sexual escalation is one of the best ways to get warmed up for sex. Kissing is one of the first things to go in long term relationships, so make-out like you mean it. Add in a sensual massage, light a masssage candle for atmosphere and for luxurious pleasure, and take turns exploring those “other” erogenous zones: back of neck, behind the knees, and the inner thighs. Not only does massage relieve stress, it will also get you in the mood for that mind blowing sex.
2. Anticipation
Anticipation is one of the main elements of what makes sex truly exciting, especially at the beginning of a relationship. The build up, the unknown, the teasing – all ingredients that make new sex, amazing sex. But what if you’ve been in a long term relationship? How do you still keep that anticipation part alivewhen you’ve already more times than you can remember.
Teasing is a close cousin to anticipation and for many people the build up of sexual anticipation can be as titillating as the sex itself.
Next step: Master the skill of teasing. Start with a sexy morning text detailing what you’d like to do to him later. Next, when we know we’re about to have sex, we tend to tear off our clothes like basketball players who have just been called into the game. So slow everything down and watch the anticipation and hotness factor rise. Tease him by showing just a little bit of skin, do a sexy striptease, or graze his pants while you’re out to dinner.
3. Sexual Confidence
Screw expensive suits and lingerie. Confidence is the most undeniably sexy things a person can wear. And this doubles once you hit the bedroom. There is nothing more attractive than a person who knows just how sexy they really are.
Sexual confidence is more than just knowing that you look good. It’s about being comfortable in your sexuality. This is where knowing your own body and how to truly please yourself comes into play. Sexually confident people aren’t afraid to branch out and throw everything they’ve got into their sexual encounters. And that is freaking sexy.
Next step: Cultivating confidence is the most important work you can do and it doesn’t happen overnight. Not comfortable being completely naked? That’s fine! First step: Go out and buy yourself some super sexy lingerie that makes you feel like the sex goddess you really are. Then next time you’re home alone, put on your lingerie while you do things around the house. Check yourself out in the mirror and take time to really appreciate what you see, because it is all you and it is beautiful.
4. Adventure
Whether it was a change of locations (the backseat of your GTO, for example) or a change in your usual sexual routine, nothing adds spice to an already great sex life like trying something new.
You don’t have to be a thrill-seeker to enjoy a little sex-ploration. Adventurous sex can be as simple as getting steamy in the shower, acting out your sexiest fantasies or dabbling in a little dirty talk. Anything that takes you out of your sexual box and opens you up to new realms of pleasure.
Next step: Instead of heading into the bedroom to have sex, plan a night away or initiate some spontaneous sex outside the bedroom, the living room counts. Moving sex to a different location will automatically fire off the adrenaline, kick-start your desire and take your sex life into overdrive.
5. Sharing the Pleasure
Mind-blowing sex comes from experiencing your partner’s pleasure as much as your own. You know how good it feels when you know you’re the one who made your partner feel that good. It’s a proud moment, isn’t it?
Who doesn’t want orgasms all around? The delivering of orgasms garners just as much excitement, if not more, than being on the receiving end.
Next step: Make eye contact to enhance intimacy and connect with your partner during sex. Communication is a lubrication and will enhance intimacy, pleasure and put you straight on the path of getting exactly what you need in bed. Indulge in some mutual masturbation that will not only tantalize but educate you both on exactly how and where you need to be touched. Warning: this will send you both into hot sex heaven.
Emily Morse is a sexologist, host of the Sex With Emily podcast, and cofounder of Emily & Tony. She has a doctorate in human sexuality and is the author of Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight and a weekly cohost of the nationally syndicated radio show Loveline With Dr. Drew Pinsky.
