Happily married couples sometimes seem like they are few and far between. And with so many marriages ending in divorce, it’s no wonder. Unhappy married people rule the world and people just don’t seem to like each other anymore.
But why?
Divorces happen for a hundred reasons under the sun. But not every unhappy marriage ends. Sometimes they last anyway and that’s about the most depressing truth out there. So here arefive habits all unhappy couples tend to have. We talked to experts who have counseled couples through them and seen it a million times. Do you see yourself in this? If so, get help.
1.) Unhappy couples stop having sex. Sorry to say, but it’s true. Sex matters. If you are not having sex with your husband, then you are probably not all that happy.
“It’s hard to muster up the energy, desire, or good will to have sex with your partner if things aren’t going well in your marriage,” says Vanessa Marin, a psychologist specializing in sex therapy from San Francisco. “I also see a lot of couples who start withholding sex as ‘punishment.’ In turn, not having sex as frequently starts to hurt your marriage, since sex is one of the most important ways we show closeness and affection for each other.” If that part of your love has died, rev it back up. Have sex tonight!
2.) Unhappy couples stop putting each other first. If the first person you want to call after you get good news isn’t your spouse, your marriage may be in trouble.
“It takes continuous effort to make time and space for your marriage in our increasingly hectic modern world,” Marin says. “If you can’t make your partner your priority on a daily basis, your marriage is going to suffer.”
3.) Unhappy couples fight badly. The truth is, fighting in a marriage is GOOD. It means you are communicating. But the way you fight really matters, says Vladimire Calixte, a therapist and empowerment specialist and the author of Naked and Transparent: Six Vital Tools for Knowing Yourself and Attracting Healthy Relationships.
“Unhappy couples fight and stay angry, occasionally holding grudges for years,” Calixte says. “They bolt and avoid important issues by not talking about them. Or, after continuous arguments with no resolution in sight, they check out emotionally and shut down. Unhappy couples are unable to solve problems and let it go.”
4.) Unhappy couples dwell on the past. Let go. Just do it. So many people pick each other apart for things that happened years ago. It’s not worth it.
“We all bring our fears, vulnerabilities, emotional wounds, and issues from our past or past relationships to our new relationships. Until these issues are dealt with, they will infect every aspect of a person’s life,” Calixte says. “Emotional wounds or injuries, much like physical wounds, have to be addressed.”
5.) Unhappy couples stop working hard. I would never say a marriage is “work.” But it’s something that needs to be worked on. Constantly. I think of my husband all the time and he does the same for me. When we fight, it’s a priority to fix the issue.
“Relationships are hard work, as love is a choice,” Calixte says. “The romantic illusion that love is easy and perfect can create expectations that a ‘loving partner’ should be a mind reader, always be in a good mood, and never have a disagreement.”
If this sounds like you or your marriage, you shouldn’t spend your days worrying. These things can be fixed. There is hope. But you need to make it a priority.
Talk to each other. Make each other feel heard and loved. “Trust is built by making each other feel secure,” Calixte says.
Do you think you are happily married?
