by Malti Bhojwani
One of our biggest needs as human beings is to feel connected and super significant to another. Being able to fully trust and be honest with our partners together with being respectful and respected defines intimacy in a relationship. When these basics are covered, it becomes easier to resolve arguments or unmet needs.
When we first got together, the attraction was intense, four-hour midnight conversations were normal and intimacy was sky high. We simply couldn’t keep our hands off each other and the physical desire to sneak kisses and touch each other at any opportunity was so strong. And then one day we realised that we have fallen into our day to day tasks, with work, kids, household and friends taking priority over our primary relationship.
Becoming aware of this lack of intimacy is the first step.
1. Be honest with yourself.
How well are you communicating with your partner about your feelings and intimate desires? How well are these needs being met? As human beings, sex is a basic need and after we have been together for a while, we often tend to get complacent and downplay its importance. Both partners may feel dissatisfied and the need for feeling desirable goes unmet.
How would you feel if you knew that your partner was feeling unattractive and hurt? What if they felt that they are always pursuing you and you keep rejecting them or brushing off their overtures? Similarly, what if your partner felt like you didn’t care about them and only wanted to get your own needs fulfilled? It is a sensitive conversation to have but a necessary one if you want to breakthrough this breakdown and come out even more intimate than you were in the start.
Often couples see the loss of intimacy as a sign that their relationship is nearing its end, but what if we looked at this juncture as just a temporary road block or traffic light instead, warning us to see the signs?
2. Care about each other.
“Happiness in a marriage meant feeling respected and cherished.” “The Good Marriage” (1995), Wallerstein and Blakeslee’s.
Intimacy is to be able to be our true and authentic self when we are in a relationship, and allow the other person to do the same.
According to research psychiatrist Michael Liebowitz, when we feel attracted to a person of the opposite sex, it triggers a neurotransmitter called phenylethylamine (PEA), which releases the hormones that increase sexual desire, but this intensity is impossible to maintain. The effects of PEA start to diminish and then settle down to a rate that is unfortunately, often different for men and women, where male arousal is instant and fast and for women slow and steady.
When you remember that you are both human beings who need to feel cared for and cherished, it will become a priority to make the other feel good about themselves.
3. Communicate!
Talking about sex is always a little sensitive, but if you rebuild the non-sexual intimacy, then conversations about anything become easier to have. Requests can be made and understanding increases. We need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable to have these conversations as they may trigger insecurities.
“Being ourselves” requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, emotionally and sexually and that we are comfortable to stand up for our personal preferences, our values and also set our boundaries.
Allowing the other person to do the same is the willingness to remain emotionally tied to someone who has different thoughts, values, preferences and boundaries in deep intimacy.
4. Be attractive.
As we get comfortable in our relationship we have a tendency to let ourselves go physically. Our partner sees us at our worst – unwaxed, unshaven, in our frumpy nightgown, sitting around the house.
Would you ever let them see you like that during the initial stages of your relationship?!
Men are very visual creatures and just because he makes you feel like you can be yourself doesn’t mean you shouldn’t present your best self.
Take care of your fitness, exercise and keep your body toned. You don’t have to doll up like a beauty queen all the time, and at the same time make sure he doesn’t come back to the Wicked Witch of the West!
And guys, the same applies to you; no matter how much she loves you for you, I guarantee she doesn’t find that growing belly sexy and that long ear hair simply does not suit you!
5. Do something fun and interesting together.
Being a couple is like being a team and for any team to work well we must be good teammates! So do some fun (non-sexual) activities together.
Go bowling, play pool or learn how to salsa. The camaraderie and trust you will build doing something fun together will deepen your intimacy and carry over to the bedroom. And the one thing those rare happy couples have is their ability to have fun together. Remind yourselves that you got together to play on the same side and have fun while doing so.
