‘This is your fault’
Blaming the other person is one of the most common things we do during a fight. Once an accusation has been made, the conversation will go back and forth about who is at fault. The focus of the problem shifts completely from how to solve it to playing the blame game. So, instead of placing the blame on each other, figure out first what you can do to solve the problem, then explain how the other person’s behaviour made you feel. Say something like — “I felt like you weren’t listening to me, but I wish I’d spoken up”. This shows you accept your responsibility in the situation.
‘You did the same thing last time’
Instead of looking backwards by telling someone what they should or shouldn’t have done, say something like — “In the future I would like to handle this differently”. Bringing up past mistakes turns little disagreements into big ones. When you’ve already forgiven someone for something they did last time, means that you can’t use it as an excuse in the current disagreement. If you’re continually circling around the same tiny arguments, this is a sign that you should try a different approach to tackle the situation.
‘I want a divorce/break’
In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to say things you don’t mean, but this statement can’t be taken back, no matter how many times you apologize or swear you didn’t mean it. If it slips out in anger or by mistake, you should immediately apologize and explain that it will never happen again. Even after an apology, it may be awhile before your partner fully trusts you.
‘You’re such a jerk/coward’
Personal attack will immediately put the other person on the defensive and the discussion becomes a win/lose situation. Name-calling triggers the same vulnerabilities as negatively comparing him/her with someone else. According to Sowmya Narayan, a relationship expert, “It suggests that you’re telling him/her that you no longer see them as an individual. Instead, try to keep the lines of communication open. Control your side of the conversation. Say something like — ‘My recollection of the facts is different’, ‘That is not how I remember it’, ‘From my perspective…’ etc.”
‘You need to talk to me right now’
This statement is always made during a heated fight when one person refrains from communicating. It could be possible that you don’t feel you’re heard and feel the need to communicate immediately. But you will be more successful if you say — “I don’t feel I am being heard. Can we take a minute and just let me make this point?” If you’re both in different spots and disagreeing, recollect your thoughts and think properly before speaking.
