[dropcap]O[/dropcap]f all the things that can tank a hot and heavy sex session, few of them are as hard to navigate as a guy who’s having trouble achieving liftoff.
Erection problems are obviously embarrassing for the man’s fragile ego, but I think people underestimate how much of an effect it can have on the woman in the situation.
I have a friend who’s dealing with this, and the way it’s unfolding is making her doubt her amazing relationship.
I still have faith they’ll get through it, but it certainly isn’t an easy thing to figure out. If you’re in the same situation as my friend, here are three things you should make sure not to say in the heat of the moment.
1. “Do you not think I’m sexy anymore?”
When he goes soft or can’t get it up once in a while, you can chalk that up to him drinking too much or having a tough day at work. But if it’s a regular thing, your first instinct will probably be to question whether something’s wrong with you.
That’s an anxiety-inducing line of thought that you should do your best to steer clear of, because it usually isn’t the case. A routine erection problem signals that something mental is going on or maybe there’s a physical reason that a doctor could diagnose. The chances that it’s about him cheating or falling out of love or some other disastrous scenario are minuscule.
2. “Can we just try again?”
It’s one thing if he decides he’s ready to give it another go, but your trying harder to have sex when his body won’t cooperate will just put pressure on him. Sexual expectations are like penis Kryptonite, so it will be even tougher for him to get with it if he feels like the stakes are higher than before. That will just will leave both of you disappointed and wondering where to go from there.
3. “Why does this keep happening?!”
I imagine a woman blurting this out in a frustrated voice after a prolonged period of erection issues. I wouldn’t be able to blame anyone for instinctively reacting like that, because the whole situation is pretty nerve-racking. But going with your urge to freak out will probably just end up with him distancing himself while you only get more upset. Resist the urge to pry open his thoughts, even though your own self-esteem (and desire for sex) may tempt you. Men aren’t exactly known for opening up and spilling their feelings when someone is begging them to.
So what should you actually say and do instead of any of the above? Work on being kind—”Even without a boner, you’re still insanely hot, and we can make tonight fun in other ways,” but not so kind that he feels like you’re pitying him—”What are you talking about? Of course I don’t care at all!” And if it really becomes an issue, bring up the possibility of going to a doctor as gently as possible, preferably not right after he’s tried and failed to get it up. Men are pretty vulnerable when they’re naked. Heck, anyone is!
As for sex, take the emphasis off whether or not he’s hard and focus on sexy things you can do together that don’t directly involve his penis. Whether that’s him going down on you for longer than usual or giving each other massages, anything that feels lovely but doesn’t put pressure on him to perform is a good idea.
