If you’re bringing booty back (go ahead and tell them skinny bitches that) you’ll know life’s not always a piece of cake.
Sure the boys love your Kim K curves and you’re not wasting your life worrying about the calories in a square of pancetta, but some things can be a big fat problem.
Here’s some things you only know if you’re a sweet 16.
1. Black, 60 denier tights are your worst frenemy. Yes, you look great together but they’re a daily struggle. And the top ALWAYS rolls down.
2. Jeans rage. Just because we’re a 16 doesn’t mean we’re 6ft tall.
3. That hugging a bony woman is as comforting and sexy as embracing a giant Toblerone.
4. The important of a well-fitting bra.
5. How to stop yourself rolling your eyes when your size 8 friend tells you she ‘feels fat’ and is ‘going on the 5:2 diet’.
6. Some men like your size, and some men REALLY like your size. Only date them if you don’t plan on dieting, ever.
7. Topshop and H&M are not your friends. Who cares? They’re cheap and nasty anyway.
8. That chocolate, pizza, crisps, cake, chips and pies all taste better than skinny feels and anyone who says otherwise is clearly an idiot.
9. The word jiggle
10. That the Venus de Milo is not a size 0.
11. That all roll necks, turtle necks and round necks should be banned. They’re taking up valuable v-neck space.
12. Back fat.
13. That a size 16 is not just a size 8 doubled. We go in and out in different places.
Try designing togs for people other than famine victims, fashion.
14. That skinny women who mouth off about ‘getting abuse for their figure too’ are actually talking about that one time back in 1997 when a boy they fancied said they looked like an ironing board.
15. The look on people’s faces when you tell them you’d love to join their running club but already work out five times a week.
16. The difficulty of tracking down gorgeous, affordable undies.
17. That some magazines will never really understand you don’t aspire to look like a prepubescent boy.
18. That some designers will never understand you don’t aspire to look like a prepubescent boy.
19. The importance of the empire line dress.
20. That you are not plus size, large and definitely not an XL. The average British woman is a 16 ffs. Surely that makes us a medium?
21. The hell that is summer. Thigh chafe, bikinis and boob sweat. Oh, bore off.
22. That your slimmer friends may rethink their look in their 80s when they end up with a scraggy cockerel neck while you keep a youthful, fat-padded face.
23. How to look good naked. No ‘oh, they were chicken fillets’ moments for you.
24. That you’ll be laughing when it comes to giving birth with THESE hips.
25. How to shake it because, er, you actually have something to shake
