Romcoms would have you believe that sex is all cuddles and crisp white bed sheets and intimate climaxes over and over again as you make sweet passionate love from dusk til dawn. It isn’t.
Mostly because who the heck wants to go to work on two hours’ sleep?
So, just because it’s nice to be honest about sex, here’s the 21 unsexiest things about it.
1. The smell. That smell. You know the one. The indescribable combination of semen, lady juice and sweat. Nice.
2. Removing socks. Hey, let me just try and hop around naked while I pull a sock printed with dinosaurs off my foot. Especially unsexy when your partner is trying to continue the foreplay by latching onto your nipple while you wrestle with your ankle.
3. Fanny farts.
4. Or even worse, those real farts that slip out when you least suspect it.
5. Getting sex cramp in your leg. Feeling like someone may have slipped a dagger into your thigh and not knowing the best way to respond.
6. Getting semen in your eye. Or in your hair. Or anywhere that isn’t your private parts. How long are you supposed to wait until you start the thorough clean-up process?
7. Also, swallowing semen and trying to pretend that it tastes like a peanut butter milkshake rather than, well, a slimy, salty bogey.
8. Your underwear. Because however much you try and plan it, you’ll always get laid when you’re wearing the greying pants with a hole in the back. You should really throw those bad boys out.
9. The awkward ‘oh… you’re bleeding’. It’s never actual blood though, just that brown-coloured discharge *shudders*.
10. The crab shuffle off the bed, and the race against time to make it to the toilet without leaving a stream of semen in your wake.
11. But failing, and having a nice trickle of the white stuff down your leg.
12. Trying to talk dirty. What words are you supposed to use? ‘I want you to stick your willy in my pussy’ *is sick all over self*
13. Trying to strip, while sober and in silence. Oh, you don’t get an erection from me battling with my jumpsuit?
14. Orgasm faces. They’re probably quite similar to the face of someone who’s just been shot. Probably.
15. Pubes. They’re scratchy and wirey. They get in your mouth. They need grooming. They’re just a sex hazard aren’t they?
16. The sweat. The sweat that makes your perfectly placed fringe stick to your forehead like a greasy pre-teen, and your make-up melt down your face until you look like a serial killer. Cute.
17. Dryness. Trying to approach foreplay with the excitement levels of the Sahara Desert. It sorta hurts.
18. Doggy style. Just, doggy style. What horrible person invented this?
19. The crippling jaw ache that comes with too much blowing. Imagine if you put that much energy into the gym, eh?
20. Willies and vaginas in general. No, really, think about this one. Are they not just the ugliest things on your entire body? Why couldn’t they just look more like your arm or something?
21. And finally, rolling into a wet patch you had no idea was still there.
