Manage Wardrobe Malfunctions
This is why we carry around safety pins: Because zippers break, bra straps snap, buttons go AWOL, tights get runs, shapewear squeezes us in awkward places, underwear gets way too intimate, and shoes chew on our feet.
Get a Grip on Our Rage
When the kids (or the husband!) drive us to the brink, sometimes all you can do is close yourself up in the bathroom, count to 10, and do some deep breathing exercises. Everybody survives because we do this.
Make Unwanted Hair Disappear
We’re not saying where that hair grows. We’re just saying we’ve all got some rogue growth here and there. The less you know the better.
Steal Alone Time
Because alone time is a rare and precious thing, and because we DO need to be able to hear our own thoughts at least once a day. Quit knocking.
Thank ‘The Academy’
This is the most important speech we’ll never give in our lives! “I have so many people to thank. (Wipe microscopic tear.) I’d like to start with my lovely, supportive family, who gave me so many minutes alone in the bathroom so I could write this screenplay …”
Do Our Best Singing
Move over, Mariah! I do my best singing to the accompaniment of water streaming from the shower. The humidity is so good for your vocal cords, don’t you know.
Ugly Cry
We save our worst, most indecorous bawl fests for this room. And then we come out with red, blotchy faces and puffy eyes. Pretend not to notice, okay?
Call the Gynecologist
Because you need privacy to talk about your lady parts and the wacky, scary things they sometimes do. And because sometimes you have to check something to give them an accurate report.
Search for Our Best Angle
Get That Green Stuff Out of Our Teeth
And by the way, THANK YOU for telling us about it! We appreciate your having our back.
Examine Our Skin REEEAAAALLLY Closely
Just, you know, keeping tabs on everything like pore size, blemishes about to happen, wrinkles in development, and all the other reasons why we need to keep buying that expensive serum.
Excavate Our Handbags
You know you’ve got a pen in there somewhere. But in order to find it, you’re going to have to dump everything else out, and there are TAMPONS. So. Many. Tampons.
Gossip
I’m afraid it’s true. No, we’re not proud. Yes, sometimes we’re gossiping.
Do Things You’re Not Supposed to Do
Whether it’s smoking or biting your fingernails, we hide our bad habits from our kids in the bathroom. Not that any of us smoke because of course we don’t. Haha. What?
Do Pretend Makeup Tutorials
“Here’s another key makeup hack you HAVE to try: Pull your eyelids up so you can get that mascara right at the roots of your eyelashes. See the difference? Amazing, isn’t it? Oh wait, I’ve smeared it all over. Cut!”
Compose Arguments
Enter the bathroom and you become as crafty and well-spoken as America’s most brilliant litigator. Now if only you could remember all those genius arguments after you step out of the bathroom.
Come Up With Our Best Comebacks
You know what I should have said? Two hours ago? They call it the “wit of the staircase,” but they should call it the “wit of the toilet” instead.
Cleavage Experiments
Finish That Novel
Or, who are we kidding, that magazine article. Or that last game of Candy Crush, to be quite honest.
