Alcohol and sex. It’s a match made in blurry-eyed, lusty heaven (as long as everything’s consensual, obviously).
Because inhibitions are lowered. You’re strangely confident. You’re too busy focusing on not throwing up to worry about belly jiggles.
And you’re SO turned on right now, because you’re drunk, everything’s hilarious and wonderful, and THIS EXACT MOMENT is the perfect time to have sex. Or consume an entire plate of nachos. Whatever.
There’s good drunk sex, bad drunk sex, and all kinds of magical drunk sex in between. Here are the key types you’ll notice out in the wild.
1. ‘I am the sexiest person on earth right now’ sex
When you’re all dressed up from your night out, start ~feeling yourself~ and think you’re the hottest person on the planet right now.
Think stripteasing, porn-star moans, and a level of confidence that will leave you a tiny bit shocked at yourself in the morning. Impressive.
2. The one where you might puke
Cue subtly sloooowing things down so the motion doesn’t make you throw up.
3. The one where you actually do puke
If you’re lucky you’ll stop in time, hop out of bed, and run to the bathroom. The sex resuming from where it left off will heavily depend on each person’s degree of drunkness.
4. The type that causes injury
Aggressive thrusting, major scratches, or falling off the bed while being a touch too enthusiastic.
5. Sloppy sex
Your moves are not on point. You’re both leaning all over the place, barely making an effort, and your faces are both covered in each other’s saliva. Luckily, you’re too drunk to care.
6. The one where you realise mid-way through that you’d really quite like to go to sleep
But you’re too embarrassed to say it given your intense ‘LET’S HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW’ excitement five minutes ago. You power through.
7. The one where you actually do give up
You know you’re having sex with the right person when your eyes meet, you have a true moment of understanding, and they save you both by saying ‘hey, shall we just stop and go to bed?’
Thank f***.
8. The drunk eating sex session
You, them, and pizza. The perfect threesome. You start furiously making out, mouths stained with grease from the first few bites.
You sneak a slice while you’re getting into it. And finally, once you’ve both reached peak pleasure, you return once again to satisfying your hunger. For food, this time. It is glorious.
9. The ‘you have never been as hot as you are right now’
Alcohol has a magical power to make people A HUNDRED times sexier. Yes, even if you’ve been together for four years and had to pat their back while they cried and vomited only a few minutes ago.
You must tear off their clothes. You are mad with lust. They are so, so hot right now.
10. The one where things aren’t quite working
Their body isn’t responding the way it usually does. You’re not quite there, either. You will valiantly continue to try for much too long before giving up, frustrated and filled with disappointment.
It’s not your fault. Blame it on the alcohol.
11. The terrible, mindblowingly awful sex
WHY IS NOTHING WORKING? WHY ARE WE SO STIFF AND AWKWARD? WHY IS IT SILENT?
12. The mindblowingly amazing sex
It probably wasn’t actually that great, but you felt like Beyoncé, everything was a massive turn-on, and your alcohol-fueled hindsight will forever view this as the best sex of your life.
13. The ‘sh*t, I shouldn’t have said that’ sex
You’re drunk, so dirty-talking sounds like a GREAT idea. Except you take it too far, say entirely the wrong thing, and now have to convince whoever you’re having sex with that no, that’s not what you’re normally into, and no, you aren’t cheating on them.
You just momentarily forgot their name. It’s FINE.
14. The one where you try something new
Your inhibitions are lowered. Time to test out that entirely insane Cosmo sex tip you read back in the 90s.
If you’re lucky, this will end up being VERY well received and it’ll become part of your sober sex repertoire.
But more likely is that your sex buddy will uncomfortably say ‘erm, what are you doing?’. Sad times.
15. The WRONG HOLE, WRONG HOLE
Are they actually drunk enough that they don’t know the difference? Or so drunk they think that ‘accidentally’ slipping their dick somewhere will be a happy experience for all involved?
Either way, unacceptable without a discussion beforehand. Stop it.
16. The obnoxiously loud sex
Your housemates hate you.
17. The ‘whoa, I’m actually hammered’
A few thrusts in and you realise that you actually can’t see straight, the room is spinning, and you’ve been loudly saying ‘WOOOO’ for no discernible reason for the last ten minutes.
In that sudden moment of self-awareness, you kindly explain that you need to stop before you embarrass yourself any further. This is wise.
18. The strangely emotional sex
You lock eyes. You’re so in the moment. It’s so romantic and oh. God. You’re sobbing.
You LOVE THEM. This is going to be embarrassing tomorrow morning.
19. And the type that lasts FOREVER
Whyyy are we still going when there’s food to be eaten and copious amounts of water to be drunk? Give up.
