There’s no need to reinvent the wheel when breaking up with someone: Explain to your soon-to-be ex what went wrong, be as transparent as possible, and try your damnedest to let them down gently.
Apparently, that’s a lot harder than it sounds. On Saturday, Redditors offered up the most ridiculous breakup excuses that were ever used on them.
If you’re responsible for uttering any of these lines, please go hide your head in shame.
1. “I love you and I won’t be able to bear it if I lose you. Before that happens, let’s break up.”
2. “I like bacon. You don’t like bacon. We’re done.”
3. “You’re spending too much time with your dying father.”
4. “‘I’m moving to Antarctica. Yes, I know I’m not a scientist. I’ll find work. Please don’t call me.’ …I don’t know what I did, but I always tell myself I dodged a crazy bullet.”
5. “‘Your soul is not developed enough to be loved.’ Umm, what?”
6. “I had a guy named Tyler tell me once that he was breaking up with me because ‘Tyler plane flies solo.’ What is that? And no, his last name was not Plane.”
7. “Lying in bed together after six months. Him: ‘You know when you walk down the street and you think a guy is really hot?’ Me: ‘Um, I guess…’ Him: ‘Well, I do too.‘”
8. “My ex said, ‘If a girl is nice to me at a bar some night, I might not be able to stop myself from having sex with her, and I don’t want to cheat on you.’ Um, getting about eight steps ahead of yourself there, buddy.”
9. “My ex told me he couldn’t see himself marrying someone whose parents weren’t still together… My dad was dead.”
10. “I love you so much and want to spend the rest of my life with you. We have to break up. If it’s really meant to be then we will end up together again like they do in the movies.”
11. “‘You go to Chipotle too much and I’m teaching piano two hours a week now, so we just don’t have time for each other.’ To be fair I do go to Chipotle 3-5 times a week, but c’mon, really?”
12. Girl drove my car into a pond, totaled it, then broke up with me because ‘that’s your karma coming to bite you in the ass, so you must have done something terrible.'”
13. “She told me, ‘You have too much money. You pay for every date. I think you’re doing something illegal. Also, you’re never around much. It seems like you don’t care about me at all.’ The truth was, I was working double shifts at McDonalds and it was killing me inside.”
14. “My mom thinks your face is too… controlling and bitchy and that means I wouldn’t have any control over you.’ I was a senior in high school and he was a sophomore in college. How are faces controlling?!”
15. “I feel called to be a pastor’s wife and you’re not going to be a pastor.”
16. “After cutting my hair to shoulder length and putting in some highlights, my ex goes, ‘You’re just not the same girl anymore.’ Um, okay, bye!”
And finally, this gem from a frugal middle schooler:
17. “‘I just can’t afford two gifts this year, but we can go back out after Christmas.’ My birthday is in December and then there’s Christmas. He tried to get me back by giving me a heart bracelet he stole from his mom for Valentines Day. My sixth grade boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen!”
