1. The majority of your Friday nights will consist of couch, wine and Netflix and you will be TOTALLY fine with that. The thought of going out on a Friday after a long week sounds both awful and terrifying. Once a month, this thought will also feel exciting, but after you brave it, you’ll be a mess for days. #NotWorthIt.
2. If you do find yourself out on a Friday, chances are you won’t go out on Saturday. And if you do, you’ll call it a bender. In your early 20s, you called that the norm. Oh, how times have changed.
3. You might start making more money, but it will all go towards weddings. Say goodbye to savings and hello to showering people with hundreds of dollars, and then probably not speaking to half of those people ever again.
4. You won’t shop as much anymore. And when you do, it will almost always be for investment pieces. No more Forever 21 crap. It’s Banana, Loft, J. Crew, and/or Anthro if you feelin’ wealthy all the time. Or TJ Maxx, because if we’re being realistic here, you’re poor as f*ck thanks to all of those weddings. Buying “going out clothes” is rare for you now and you find yourself drooling over the same oversized sweater at every store. You basically wear the same comfy clothes over and over and you laugh at the fact you used to be afraid to wear outfits more than once.
5. You won’t take as many pictures anymore. Your motto used to be “pictures or it didn’t happen,” but now pictures never seem to happen, regardless of how hard you try. You feel like an ass every time you exclaim, “Let’s take a picture!” and every time someone else wants to take a picture, you get annoyed. This is why you wear the same outfit over and over again — it never gets photographed.
6. You will stop buying dresses to wear out on the weekends because you no longer wear dresses out on the weekend. You have about 60 million dresses in your closet that are super cute, but they have absolutely no place in your life anymore. On the rare occasion you do go out, you’re not going to places where people wear dresses, unless of course you decide to dabble in club life… but then your dresses would be too tame. That’s one thing that hasn’t changed at least — you still have and will always have a packed closet with nothing to wear.
7. You will find yourself drifting apart from a lot of friends. You feel as though there is no time to hang out with even your closest friends now, so you split your limited free time amongst a true few. You just don’t have the ability to make time for everyone anymore. You can’t just get drinks all the time. You’re tired and you have to save your money for other things.
8. You will start wanting wine more and more… After work. Every day. Sometimes you just can’t and wine helps you “can,” whatever that means.
9. You have actually stayed in because you have to “run errands” the next day. You know if you go out, you’ll spend the entire next day on the couch and nothing will get done — meaning the entire week ahead will be derailed. You have to clean. You have to buy groceries. You have to work out. You want to want coffee. And you can’t afford the calories that come with a hangover. Way too many carbs to be desired.
10. You feel really cool and hip when you talk to recent grads in the office. Oh, you just graduated college? Me too… Or at least it feels like I did, IDK.
11. When you go out, you often feel like the oldest person at the bar. Which you very well might be. Are you too old to be at this bar? Where do people your age go out? Is that guy you’re talking to younger than you? Because you don’t want anything to do with that group of dudes by the bar in their mid-30s… Oh wait, they’re your age? Oops. You actually cannot tell how old anyone is anymore. Maybe you should just stay in a corner and not talk to anyone at all.
12. There are babies on your newsfeed. Babies conceived by choice. By people YOUR AGE. What is happening?
13. If you’re in a relationship, you start to get ring anxiety and if you’re not in a relationship, you start to panic that you’ll never get ring anxiety. Ring anxiety is a roller coaster of emotions — Is the ring coming soon? Do I even want a ring soon? Do I even want a ring ever? I think maybe two years. Or three. Wait, I said that last year too. I’m sure there’s not even a ring in the works. Figures. Do I even want a ring from this person? WHAT IS HAPPENING. And for those not in relationships, it’s all panic over everything. Will I ever find someone? Am I going to have to cave and sign up for online dating? My mom keeps bugging me about that, but I don’t even have time to date anyone. But I’m going to have to go alone to all these weddings and it’s really expensive. AND I’M ALMOST 30. I’m going to be alone forever. At least I don’t have to share a bed. Maybe I’ll get a cat. Sigh.
14. You have officially lost control of your metabolism. It’s gone rogue. There’s literally nothing you can do to save yourself from gaining weight except of course sacrificing your social life, which you consider doing every so often, but then you fear losing all of your friends, so you end up drinking and eating shit at least once a week. You could also, like, work out as much as you used to, but you are le tired, so no.
15. People in their early 20s will try to make you feel better about yourself by saying “you’re not THAT old,” but that just makes you feel worse. You used to be on their level. Now they are just basking in their youth doing what you used to do every weekend. Make it stop.
16. You finally have a grip on this whole makeup thing. You have noticed that your face looks different than it did when you were in your early 20s. You’re officially growing up, and it shows. Because of this, you actually start taking care of your skin and wearing makeup correctly. For instance, the last time I was at Sephora I asked for help and got foundation that actually matched my skin tone and wasn’t three shades too dark. #Adulthood.
17. You’ve finally started ONLY doing the things you enjoy with ONLY the people you enjoy doing them with. If you’re not into something, you’re not into something. It’s simple. You don’t go places you don’t want to go. You don’t hang out with people you don’t want to hang out with. What’s the worst that could happen? You end up hanging out on your couch in yoga pants watching TV? That actually sounds better than going out with people you do like most of the time. Your time is precious and you’re going to spend it wisely, without giving a F*CK what anyone else thinks. You’ve finally figured out the key to happiness. #PROUDOFYOU.
