[dropcap]O[/dropcap]ne Netflix and no-chill Friday too many and it can be easy to fall down the what-does-this-really-mean-for-our-marriage rabbit hole. But Stan Tatkin, a psychologist and author of Wired for Love, says that if you’re worried he’s fallen out of love, try to rest easy because it’s likely not the case. Instead, he’s probably down-shifted into a different kind of love.
“At the beginning of all successful relationships, the constant excitement of New Love produces a lot of dopamine, which is the same neurotransmitter that’s stimulated when a drug addict takes their drug of choice,” he says. “It’s exhilarating, but temporary.”
Quiet Love, on the other hand, comes into the picture when that exhilaration starts to fade: “It’s a calm but alert state couples get into when they’re fully relaxed and engaged with one another,” he explains.
So if you need some signs (hey, who doesn’t love signs?) that your husband is indeed quietly in love with you, here are eight that show he isn’t going anywhere.
HE KNOWS YOU HATE DOING THE DAMN DISHES — SO HE DOES THEM.
When you’ve been together for years, it’s obvious that your husband knows your likes and dislikes. But if you want to know if he loves you, see how he adjusts to your “irritation triggers.” “If he knows the three or four things that will always hurt you or put you off balance, and then knows just what to do to either avoid them or get you up and running again when they do happen, then consider him your antidote,” says Tatkin. So rather than picking a fight because it’s “your turn” to take care of the dishes, you’re more likely to find him loading up the machine before bed. Just remember to return the favor and handle something that drives him batty — or at least consider taking dish duty as a thank you — because he probably doesn’t love that chore, either.
HE WANTS TO LEARN MORE.
If your hubby always wants to talk about more personal matters — ones that involve the two of you and your bond, not who’s in charge of school drop-off this week — it’s clear that after all your years together, he still wants to get to know you deeper. “That shows he’s still interested and, rather than seeing you as someone he thinks he already knows, you’re someone he continually wants to learn about,” Tatkin says.
HE PLANS DATE NIGHTS.
“Great marriages don’t just happen; they’re created by partners who continually put effort into wanting to please their partner,” says Mary Jo Rapini, LPC, sex therapist and intimacy expert. If he takes the lead on planning date nights, that means he cares about strengthening your bond. “There is no better way to experience the incredible feeling of being connected and intimate with one person than to plan a date night for your spouse.”
HE DISPLAYS LITTLE SIGNS OF AFFECTION.
Yes, those little things count. “You’ve heard this before and that’s because it matters,” says Rapini. “It’s the little things you do for each other that help keep you emotionally stable and feeling good about your life no matter what you’re going through.”Those “little things” can be as simple as holding hands or saying “I love you.”
According to a recent survey conducted by eHarmony, “[For] the happiest couples … it was really about open communication, participating in regular activities together (like camping or even just date night!), compromise, and even little gestures like holding hands and saying ‘I love you’ daily that kept their connection strong,” says Jeannie Assimos, eHarmony’s Chief of Advice.
HE CHECKS IN WITH YOU THROUGHOUT THE DAY.
A little heart eyes emoji actually says a lot. In fact, Rapini tells her clients to “take ‘mini-catch-ups’ with your partner throughout the day. Marriage research suggests it takes only two minutes of conversation for couples to feel connected. Make a schedule when you begin this in your marriage because it requires that sort of commitment.”
HE TRIES TO SPICE THINGS UP IN BED.
If he busts out the lube and the sex toys, don’t take it as an insult — that’s good news. “It’s normal and common for a woman’s sexual desire to fluctuate throughout any given month — from hormones, to stress,” says Rapini. “A husband that loves you will try to think of new ways to make the bedroom exciting — like introducing a personal lubricant (I love Replens Silky Smooth) or trying a device like Fiera that works to enhance female sexual desire and get her body excited and ready for sex when the moment is right.” (And who doesn’t want an excuse to try out a new sex toy?)
HE SAYS ‘YES’ TO YOUR SUGGESTIONS.
It’s easy to take this as a sign of disinterest, but Paul Coleman, a psychologist and author of Finding Peace When Your Heart is in Pieces, says that when men are in love, they usually appear less enthusiastic than women do simply because of their serotonin levels. Seriously: research shows that men who are in love have lower serotonin levels. “The amount of serotonin you have in your body as a woman makes you act happy and show it more,” says Coleman. “But because men’s levels aren’t as high, they don’t feel the need to do that — they’re happy showing you love by agreeing to do whatever it is you want to do, even if it’s just sitting next to you and watching TV.” Rather than being frustrated because you’re the one coming up with date night ideas, look at it as an opportunity to branch out and try something different.
HE SAYS YOUR FIRST NAME DURING SEX.
It’s part of the norm to call each other “babe,” “honey,” or even “mama,” throughout the day (hey, sometimes it’s just easier when you have kids), but Tatkin says that if he says your first name in the midst of sex, it’s a sign that he’s fully present in the moment with you and doesn’t want to be intimate with anyone else. Another clue? Eye contact — both in and out of the bedroom.
HE’LL GO TO THAT THEME-PARTY WITHOUT WHINING.
Picture this: on the rare night that you’re able to get a sitter, there’s a Gatsby-esque birthday party happening for your bestie’s 40th. You know your hubs will essentially kick and scream the whole way because he hates big parties and dressing up. Then again…maybe he won’t. If he doesn’t give you grief (okay, he can once or twice — guys think these things are over-the-top), then he’s showing you love. “When you say that you really want him with you and then he just puts on his party clothes without grumbling, he’s putting aside his own preferences and tastes to make you happy,” says Sophia Dembling, author of Introverts in Love: The Quiet Way to Happily Ever After. He wouldn’t do that if he didn’t love you, proving that sometimes what he doesn’t do speaks louder than what he does.
HE’S QUICK TO END AN ARGUMENT.
Ever get to a point in the argument where you know you’re wrong, but you’re secretly trying to figure out a way to prove that you aren’t? Your husband probably hasn’t — at least not in a while — because one way he proves that he’s still head-over-heels for you is, well, letting you win. “He puts you ahead of having to be right because he knows that any delay in fixing misunderstandings or hurt feelings can lead to a long-lasting memory that doesn’t bode well for your future,” says Tatkin. So when he throws up a white flag, he’s not doing it out of laziness — he just doesn’t want to see you upset. And if you’re more willing to battle it out, that doesn’t make you a bad person. Tatkin says it’s easier for guys to give in, essentially, because they tend to avoid confrontation at all costs in the first place. Next time you find yourself in this situation, take a step back and decide what’s more important: being right or resolving the issue? Taking that moment can help you get back to a healthy place to continue your discussion.
HE PUTS THE ELECTRONICS AWAY.
We’re all guilty of being glued to our phones: Snapchatting that funny thing the baby did. Instagramming your date night meal. Sharing an article you like on Facebook. But when your husband actively cuts technology out of his daily routine to spend time with you, it’s a sign that he still wants to connect, says Fawn Weaver, author of Happy Wives Club. “When a man loves a woman, no matter how demanding his job, he knows how to put his phone down, close his laptop, and give his undivided attention. There is a consistent effort to put his love ahead of his career and friends.” Now, that doesn’t mean he’s going to drop what he’s doing at the exact second you want him to (he’s not your beck-and-call boy), but if he makes a concerted effort to carve out quality time for the two of you sans-tech, then he’s still very much into you.
HE NEVER SAYS THE ‘D’ WORD.
You’ve had those knock-down, drag-out fights that are way worse (and less funny) than any SNL skit, but even in the darkest of times, your husband never says the word “divorce,” says Tatkin, explaining that a happy husband doesn’t threaten his relationship even when he’s upset, frustrated, or incredibly angry. Instead, he’s learned how to have a fight the right way — because yes, you’ll still have them — and knows when it’s best for the relationship to walk away and blow off steam. “Nothing good can come from threatening the relationship or making you feel like it may not exist in the near future,” says Tatkin. Taking the option of divorce off the table gives you both the opportunity to express how you really feel without fear that the other is going to walk out on the relationship, so you can get to the root of any serious issues.
HE STILL MAKES AN EFFORT TO SURPRISE YOU.
Though you may rule the world — and household — with shared Google calendars and group text messages, if your husband still makes effort to surprise you with things he knows will brighten your day, he’s still lovin’ on your pretty hard, says Weaver. “This isn’t about expensive gifts. Oftentimes it’s something as simple as bringing home a favorite candy or carton of ice cream, or picking up tickets when you mentioned you wanted to see a certain movie,” she says. The point is that he’s thinking of ways to keep your relationship fresh and engaged, and showing you that he still remembers the little things that make you smile.
HE STILL HOLDS YOUR HAND IN PUBLIC.
When you first start dating someone, it’s all PDA all the time. But as the years go by, sometimes a little bit of that disappears. Maybe you’re not quite making out in the corners of bars anymore, but if your husband still makes sure to hold your hand or give you a sweet kiss on the forehead while you’re out and about, it’s clear the sparks are still there. Not all guys are into public displays of affection, though, so it’s never a bad thing to go for his hand instead.
HE FLASHES YOU FLIRTY SMILES.
Whether you’re at home cleaning or hanging out with friends, catching your hubby checking you out or giving you a quick smile or wink means you’ve still got it — and he still wants it. Giving each other “the look” every now and then gives you that tingly feeling you had in the beginning of your relationship, and there’s no reason it should ever go away.
