This Never Really Happens
Even the most rational men harbor irrational fantasies about what women do when they’re alone. We can blame porn for making them think we fondle each other’s boobs at slumber parties and high school urban legends for giving them the cockamamie idea that we’d let a dog eat JIF out of our vagina. Come on, now. Seriously? Guys, once and for all, we’d like to confirm that we have never and will never share our sex toys with each other, so you can just let that sweet lil’ image go. Here are some more things that we don’t do when you’re not there. We promise…
1. Get randomly horny and sneak off to masturbate at work or in a public restroom.
2. Have slumber parties with topless pillow fights and vagina licking.
3. Stroke our own nipples every time we look in the mirror.
4. Experiment with a variety of household objects down there — like cucumbers and hairbrush handles.
5. Walk around the house in fishnets and crotchless panties.
6. Share sex toys with each other.
7. Let our dog lick peanut butter out of our vagina.
8. Get bored and do naked photo shoots.
9. Masturbate to dick pics random guys send us.
10. Kiss each other with tongue when we say hello or goodbye.
11. Spend inordinate amounts of time gazing at our own vagina in a hand mirror because it’s THAT awe-inspiring.
12. Secretly watch lesbian porn, but are just too shy to admit it.
13. Recreate the first time we masturbated for fun.
14. Sleep in the buff…even in winter.
15. Own an array of dildos and vibrators for every orifice and occasion.
