Becoming a dad for the first time is a really big deal, but not in the ways you might expect.
While everybody is keen to tell you about responsibility and emotional stuff, nobody warns you that you’ll spend the next four years getting repeatedly kicked in the testicles.
Here’s what the NHS should tell all expectant dads.
1. Childbirth is absolutely terrifying
It’s amazing just how many things can go terrifyingly wrong during childbirth, and you’ll imagine them all happening even if everything’s going perfectly well. As you’ll discover later, most of your dad pals have scary stories to share.
2. You might not feel Hollywood emotions immediately
Some men feel an enormous rush of love when they hold their child for the first time and bond instantly with their offspring. Others don’t. That’s OK. There’s a great deal of guff spouted about parental bonding, and it can make new dads feel guilty if they don’t feel REALLY BIG EMOTIONS. Don’t fall for it.
3. You can never say you’re tired ever again
You may be knackered, but your partner is more knackered. Don’t forget this if you want to live.
4. 99% of parenting advice is nonsense
And 87% of must-have baby products are worthless.
5. Your partner might find it hard to cope
This is a really tough time for your partner, both physically and mentally. She needs all the help you can provide.
6. Post natal depression is real and horrible
Not to be confused with the baby blues, which is an emotional low that doesn’t last too long, PND is debilitating. Health visitors will ask your partner about it, but it’s worth knowing what the signs of PND are.
Look after yourself as well. New dads can get depression too.
7. Toilet breaks are by negotiation
New parents can’t just go to the toilet. If you need to do a dump, you need to do a baby dump first.
8. You’ll both become experts at the baby dump
Baby dumping is when you ask your partner to hold the wee one for a minute so you can do something very urgent and important. The moment the child is in their arms, RUN!
9. You’ll never be squeamish again
Babies are a riot of unpleasant fluids, and if you’re not dealing with a poo disaster you’re wiping up sick. You’ll get used to it.
10. You’ll need to change clothes three times a day
Not just the baby’s. Yours too, unless you think pebbledash vomit is a look that works for you.
11. You’ll go to the gym all the time
Not to work out. To sleep in the car park.
12. That crying probably isn’t colic
The word colic strikes fear into parents, because it means major crying episodes that seem to last forever. But what’s often called colic isn’t: it can be overstimulation, or indigestion, or acid reflux, or overtiredness.
13. You’ll be kicked in the testicles a lot
Not to mention poked, prodded and punched a lot too. And that’s just by your partner. I’m here all week!
