Choking the chicken. Bashing the bishop. Spanking the monkey. Beating the meat.
Twirling the pearl. Dotting the ‘i’. Beating around the bush. Gusset typing. A night in with the girls.
Whatever you call it, masturbation sadly has the social standing of an old man with rotted teeth in a grubby sowester furtively eyeing up sheep from behind a bush on the Yorkshire moors.
But we should hand it to the humble wank.
It’s time we owned onanism.
Here’s why wanking is, in fact, better than sex.
1. You don’t have to train your partner up
You’ve been having sex with you for years.
You are unlikely to waste time kneading your boobs like they’re dough, or snagging your penis on your own teeth.
2. You can switch partners half way through if the first one’s rubbish
I gather this is frowned upon during coitus.
3. You don’t have to worry ‘what it all means’
You and your hand are DFL.
4. It doesn’t matter if you fall asleep halfway through
I gather this is also frowned upon during coitus.
5. You can experiment with things that, in all honesty, would bloody terrify you in real life
Because a gang bang with the entire cast of MIC may seem hot but would probably be very stressful to coordinate.
6. You won’t become a parent
Your hand’s not going to make you start throwing up constantly, then fat, then tear apart your vag like an enthusiastic Gladiator contender ripping through that paper wall at the end of the assault course.
7. You can have sex with ANYONE
Without getting arrested.
8. You won’t get crabs
Yay!
9. You can go all day if you want to
Good luck trying that with a man over 25.
10. You can just stop if it’s not going to happen
Your hand knows it isn’t a failure.
11. It’s much easier to be spontaneous and adventurous
You only need to convince one person (you) to have a threesome or join the mile high club.
12. There’s no slightly awkward withdrawal
Because nobody’s fingers are that fat.
13. You won’t be judged for falling asleep straight after
Your hand doesn’t want a cuddle.
Happy fapping everyone.
