Investigating whether your boyfriend is having an affair is not difficult.
Men, in the throes of illicit lust become careless – personalities, habits and routines change.
If you are currently thinking of changing your name by deed poll and setting up a fake Facebook profile in an attempt to befriend your boyfriend and reveal his philandering ways, might I suggest that considering the following first could save you a lot of time and energy.
The tell-tale signs of a cheat include…
1. He starts waxing his balls
… buying new clothes, wearing aftershave and bothering with fresh underwear everyday. Simply put, the more care he suddenly takes in his appearance the more likely it is he’s f**king around.
2. He glazes over
Whenever you try to engage in conversation he stares aimlessly off into the distance – either avoiding engagement in any conversation with you which might trip him up or re-living the blow-job Janet from accounts gave him in the disabled toilet yesterday afternoon.
3. He’s an angel
Unexpected flowers, increased attention and cups of tea in the morning?
He had sex last night, and it wasn’t with you.
4. He’s an a**hole
Or his infidelity could turn him the other way. Being suddenly emotionally unavailable, over defensive and snappy is another tell-tale sign of cheating.
5. He’s harder to get hold of than Barack Obama
If you partner’s phone constantly goes to answer machine and he suddenly seems to have less time to reply to your texts it’s not looking good.
A tip – if a man has time to go to the bathroom he has time to text.
Busy at work? Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, girlfriend.
6. Less sex
How much sex can a man have in one day? #Travelodge
7. More sex
Your boyfriend is shagging two women at the same time.
He thinks he’s Jack Nicholson.
Expect random suggestions of anal sex, dirty talk, role play. i.e. anything you have never done before but he’s suddenly got a taste for with his new f*** buddy.
8. He wants to get drunk
Affairs will initially ignite the devil-may-care side of a man’s personality.
His ego is off the scale now he’s bonking you both and he’s high on the cheating drug.
‘F**k it, let’s go out tonight!’, ‘It’s only money!’, ‘Let’s have another!’ and similar such declarations might mean he is either having a midlife crisis or banging someone else.
9. He suddenly loves cats
‘Did you know that a kitten with green fur was discovered in Denmark in 1995?’
Random facts he’s never been interested in before? She has cats.
10. He takes his phone to the loo
Deletes his text history, changes his pin number and always has his mobile on silent.
Run for those hills, baby.
11. Work weekends
… in Paris, on February 14th.
12. A naked women
… is in you bed when you get home from work early.
Yep, that should do it.
