Trouser snake. One-eyed monster. 100 per cent all-beef thermometer.
Pink tractor beam. Tent pole. Purple-headed soldier man.
Men. You may be under the impression that, when it comes to your penis, bigger is better.
This is a lie spread by porn, probably because it’s just easier to see bigger ones on screen.
But in actual fact, as most ladies know, dating someone with an anaconda truly worthy of the name is actually a hindrance.
Here’s why.
1. Normal condoms don’t fit
Which you’d think might make everyone smug.
In fact, it results in sex being delayed for at least a week while you try to track down a specialist supplier who, naturally, charges triple the price for XXLs.
2. Vaginas don’t fit
Or rather, it doesn’t fit any vaginas.
It’s a bit like trying to squeeze Optimus Prime into an aeroplane loo.
Any kind of action is going to require serious forward-planning and very careful manoeuvers if you want to avoid serious damage to one or both parties.
3. Cystitis
Because nothing says romance like bruising your girlfriend’s urethra so badly she ends up peeing fire.
4. Anal
5. A very real risk of suffocation
In porn the whole ‘woman almost choking on man meat’ is probably quite hot.
In real life no woman wants to go out like that.
6. Vanilla sex
With a small or average-sized member you can both rut away to your little hearts’ content with you on top, them on top, sitting down, from behind, from the side and so on, in an almost unending series of combinations.
Larger lads have to content themselves with one ole faithful – whichever one doesn’t make their lady howl in agony.
7. Bleeding
Because, for some men, the term pork sword is unfortunately accurate.
8. Careful, measured sex
OK, so there’s no downside to the fact several hours of foreplay becomes a necessity rather than a nicety.
But you’ll never have fast, passionate, ‘animal’ sex without a lot of pain afterwards.
9. You will always need lube
Always. Fancy a quickie in the back of your Fiesta in the station car park?
Yeah. I hope you carry lube around in your handbag.
10. They’re messy to look at
The whole of classical Greek sculpture shuns your out-of-proportion yogurt slinger.
